Slip, sliding away

Odd thing, weight loss. We seek it with all of our being: We sweat at the gym, follow every fad diet out there, fast, pay thousands of dollars for "iffy" supplements, and believe that our lives would be perfect if we just weighed X amount. 


Then, by whatever means necessary, we actually lose weight, start wearing clothes that have been shoved to the back of our closets, and people start to comment. They start to notice. And sometimes, the weight gain begins.


For me, and maybe for you, I have never been able to maintain my weight loss. It's the foundational reason for the fact that I have never like myself very much. And now, with the gastric sleeve, and 28 pounds gone in 29 days, I'm starting to feel some of the same fear: People are beginning to notice.


In all fairness, not everyone does: People who see me every day, or people for whom my weight is a non-issue. But other people are "seeing" me, and that's the crux of the biscuit, so to speak. Being "seen" scares me.


No one "sees" fat people. We are the U.S. equivalent of India's "Untouchables." Mock us, yes, but no one notices us. We are the butt of jokes, the image of Wal-Mart and trailer parks, and the subject of countless documentaries. But we are not, as the Velveteen Rabbit said, REAL. 


When we lose a significant amount of weight, and are "seen," how do we react? Some, I'm sure, are thrilled, and flaunt newly thin bodies. Others, like me, are scared of the attention, and, eventually, start regaining the weight. Now, part of that is because our weight-loss method of choice is unsustainable, or unresolved food addictions take a hold. But for many, like me, to be noticed is scarier than being obese.


If people don't "see" me, I can't be judged. Or fail. Or be the center of attention. It's much safer to be a fat fly on the wall. I have some ideas about why it's psychologically safer to not be noticed, but I'll leave that line of reasoning up to you to follow. 


Fat is a layer of armor that keeps others at a distance. Fat gives me substance, makes me psychologically more significant than my lack of confidence allows. I can be a bully if I'm obese; everyone expects it. Selfishly, I can get my way in disconcerting circumstances. But...armor thins, and then is gone. People seem to expect more from me. I'm just one of the crowd. I have to rely on my social skills, my personality, my sense of humor. Good heavens, it's all so tiring.


It is so much easier being fat. 


Oh, dear.


The Bionic Broad out.