The Bionic Broad's™ Low-Carb Blog

Half-ton hooey

2012-01-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Saw the documentary yesterday about the formerly half-ton man, Patrick Deuel. I am fascinated with shows like these, and I always learn something new, whether it be about obesity, or about myself. Maybe, with this documentary, it was a little of both.

During one of the interviews, Mr. Deuel wouldn't allow his wife to answer a question about how much her husband was eating. Mr. Deuel bellowed loudly, being a bully and over-riding his wife's attempted reply, insisting that he didn't eat any more than the normal person, and that his weight problem was all genetic.

I've been lying to myself for years, insisting that I didn't eat any more than anyone else. (Well, maybe no more than Mr. Deuel.) Anyway, if I'd had the guts to log everything that I ate and drank, I think that facts would have presented a much different picture than my self-delusions did. I might not have eaten great quantities of food, with my too-tight Lap-band, but I sure did eat a gazillion calories. You can't maintain high body weight without sufficient calories to maintain that weight. For me, even though I was eating low-carb, my Lap-band made it impossible to eat anything low-carb and low-fat. So, instead of burning body fat, my carcass had plenty of dietary fat to burn, with tons (excuse the pun) left over to store. And I can't believe how our grocery bills have changed now that I'm sleeved.

One of the interviewers asked Mrs. Deuel why she didn't tell her husband that the gross amounts of snack foods would no longer be provided, and that her husband was going to eat healthily, since Mrs. Deuel was doing all the cooking and food shopping. She said something about her husband becoming angry. Mr. Deuel looked right at the camera and replied that anyone who didn't give him what he wanted would be "torn to shreds." Excuse me?

I never realized that my obesity involved such selfishness. I used to eat my kids' Christmas and Easter candy for years, until they got old enough to notice. I used to steal from my own kids. I would sneak food out of the 'fridge and eat it in the back bedroom. I would be the one to finish all the "goodies" in the house. I would buy carbage while grocery shopping, and eat it before I got home, so that no one would know. That's money I spent on me, not we, at a time when there wasn't much money to go around. Such selfishness.

Lastly, during the documentary, some medical researchers were interviewed about food and brain activity. I already knew that eating our favorite foods triggers dopamine , a brain chemical that controls the pleasure center of our brains, much like crack for an addict. What I didn't know is that, eventually, the dopamine receptors shut down, forcing us to eat even more to get the same feelings of pleasure. The more we over-eat, the fewer receptors we have. What a vicious cycle. We eat to feel better, then have to eat more to feel better, become obese, feel worse, have to eat even more to feel better...

I guess less can be more. Eat less carbage, and the cells' insulin receptors will come back to the surface, lowering our blood sugar. Eat fewer "trigger foods," and our dopamine receptors will re-activate, mellowing our mood. Eat less food in general, and our body weight might settle at a more normal number on the scale.

But this can only be accomplished with dietary honesty. Some of us can enact accountability by using Weight Watchers. Some might need to use Nutrisystem or Jenny. For others, using a log like Fitday.com might be enough. But I was deceitful with myself and others. Even with all of these tools, I still fell back into my old ways. And even with the sleeve, vigilance is necessary. For me, I have one of Kaiser's best surgeons, who is also strict, and I will see him regularly throughout this journey. He scares me a little, which is perfect for lil' ole' me. I, dear readers, am an absolute imp.

The Bionic Broad out.

Addiction interdiction

2012-01-03T08:52:00.000-08:00

I belong to an on-line forum for sleevers, and lately, I've noticed posts from people who are angry because they can't eat (fill in the blank). And I mean angry.

Let me get this straight: Two weeks of a pre-op diet, which is liquids, with maybe a tiny protein meal, about 500 calories a day. Two days pre-op, clear liquids only, about 300 calories. The surgery, where 85% of the stomach is removed (along with my failed Lap-band and my gall bladder). About a week post-op, clear liquids only, about 300 calories a day. A week of liquids, about 300 - 500 calories a day. Six weeks of "mushies," like poached eggs, pureed meats, and cottage cheese, about 600 calories a day. And then off to "soft" foods, for who knows how long, because I'm not there yet.

Why in the (oo la la) put yourself through all this to get angry about not being able to eat crap and carbage?!? Why did you have the surgery, you ignorant twit? (Twittess?)

I got up to 250 pounds (I'm 5'7") by eating a pound of Skittles and a pound of M & Ms every weekend, along with 10 tacos at a time, with boxes of cookies, and pints of full-fat premium ice cream, and halves of medium pizzas, and potatoes in all their forms. There was no mystery about why I was morbidly obese.

Medically-supervised fast, got to 180. Gained it all back. Phen-fen, got to 180. Gained it back. Weight Watchers, got to 180. Gained it back. Enter low-carb, and I was doing pretty well. Medical emergency in '08, and ended up back at 220.

Then, the Lap-band, touted as my saving grace, and could have been, if Dr. Lack-of-care hadn't been a greedy guts by maxing out my Band in 2 - 3 visits. For years, I couldn't eat anything but "sliders," soft, greasy, hgh- and empty-calorie foods. Ending weight: 230.

Vertical sleeve gastrectomy, 3 weeks post-op today, 29 pounds down. Struggling to get all my water, vitamins, minerals, and protein into a 4 ounce stomach, which will be 6 - 8 ounces when it heals.

Have I been angry about not being able to eat (fill in the blank)? Yes, but only once. I came home and smelled my Best Half frying Burger's Smokehouse ham.Waaa! But I pureed some, and although it wasn't fried, the ham taste was a piece of heaven on earth. Case closed.

It's not like I don't know what chocolate, or cookies, or cake, or ice cream, or mashed potatoes, or gravy, or potato chips, or pie, or whatever, taste like. I've eaten them all my life. No mystery there. Why would I have the surgery, knowing full well that to go back to my earlier habits could be fatal, and whine and pule about what I can't eat? Now, if Andrew Zimmern came along, with handfuls of exotic "delights" that have never touched my lips, maybe I'd have an argument. ("But I never got a chance to eat the anus of an aardvark!")

But, for now, I am living within the restrictions and requirements of a surgery I CHOSE, following the lifestyle I CHOSE, and, God-willing, will reap the benefits of said restrictions.

Quit whining, and eat yer' protein.

The Bionic Broad out.

Slip, sliding away

2011-12-30T07:50:00.000-08:00

Odd thing, weight loss. We seek it with all of our being: We sweat at the gym, follow every fad diet out there, fast, pay thousands of dollars for "iffy" supplements, and believe that our lives would be perfect if we just weighed X amount.

Then, by whatever means necessary, we actually lose weight, start wearing clothes that have been shoved to the back of our closets, and people start to comment. They start to notice. And sometimes, the weight gain begins.

For me, and maybe for you, I have never been able to maintain my weight loss. It's the foundational reason for the fact that I have never like myself very much. And now, with the gastric sleeve, and 28 pounds gone in 29 days, I'm starting to feel some of the same fear: People are beginning to notice.

In all fairness, not everyone does: People who see me every day, or people for whom my weight is a non-issue. But other people are "seeing" me, and that's the crux of the biscuit, so to speak. Being "seen" scares me.

No one "sees" fat people. We are the U.S. equivalent of India's "Untouchables." Mock us, yes, but no one notices us. We are the butt of jokes, the image of Wal-Mart and trailer parks, and the subject of countless documentaries. But we are not, as the Velveteen Rabbit said, REAL.

When we lose a significant amount of weight, and are "seen," how do we react? Some, I'm sure, are thrilled, and flaunt newly thin bodies. Others, like me, are scared of the attention, and, eventually, start regaining the weight. Now, part of that is because our weight-loss method of choice is unsustainable, or unresolved food addictions take a hold. But for many, like me, to be noticed is scarier than being obese.

If people don't "see" me, I can't be judged. Or fail. Or be the center of attention. It's much safer to be a fat fly on the wall. I have some ideas about why it's psychologically safer to not be noticed, but I'll leave that line of reasoning up to you to follow.

Fat is a layer of armor that keeps others at a distance. Fat gives me substance, makes me psychologically more significant than my lack of confidence allows. I can be a bully if I'm obese; everyone expects it. Selfishly, I can get my way in disconcerting circumstances. But...armor thins, and then is gone. People seem to expect more from me. I'm just one of the crowd. I have to rely on my social skills, my personality, my sense of humor. Good heavens, it's all so tiring.

It is so much easier being fat.

Oh, dear.

The Bionic Broad out.

A food-for-all

2011-12-25T07:32:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Worth1000.com

Merry Christmas, dear readers. With all of the holiday business behind me, I'm having a chance to sit and ruminate about some things, mainly holidays, celebrations, and food.

I used to shudder when church ladies rallied en masse to whip up vats of food for the bereaved at funerals. Associating food with death always reminded me of the old Twilight Zone episode of The Sin Eaters, where a man was hired to take on the sins of the dead by eating the food that was arrayed around the bodies. When the Eater died, the task of taking on his sins, an unimaginable number by trade, fell to his son, who ate, and screamed. Ate. And screamed. I never could shake that faded image from my mind.

How about associating food with comfort? Even in elementary school, when I came upon a total stranger who had crashed on his bike, what was my reaction? I asked the kid, "Would you like a Popsicle?" Huh? I remember pedaling furiously to the ice cream truck, buying a Dreamsicle, and dropping it on the street before I got it back to the kid. All I could think of was trying to soothe him with food, even at so young an age. My grandmother told me a story when I was young, about being teased at school because of her weight. When she got home, my great-grandmother would tell her, "There's pie in the pantry." This is a pattern I carry out in my own life: Hate self because of weight. Eat for comfort. Gain weight. Hate self for gaining weight. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. What a mess.

So I ask myself, what is Christmas? Ham, Waldorf salad, mac and cheese, Swedish Puff, cheese fondue, and Best Half's mother's dip? Um, no. It's when Jesus, pure God and pure Man, came to Earth to save us from ourselves. So why does my mind first conjure up a gorgeous Burger's Smokehouse ham? Because, through the years, the holiday, the emotions, the celebration, the meaning, and the food, have all entwined into one huge blob, with the food symbolizing the whole.

The question becomes, if I don't partake of the food, does that shoot the whole enchilada? Is Christmas still Christmas without food? Well, Christ came whether I eat today or not. Just as He arose whether or not I consume mass quantities of Cadbury Cream Eggs. And the Puritans still had a party, whether or not I partake of the stuffing.

As a low-carber, I've had to substitute healthier versions of the old faithful foods, and now, as a newly sleeved low-carber, I am unable to eat most of the foods that will be on the table today. There may be resentment, or dismay, or pity. None of those will be in my heart.

Christmas is far more than the food, the gifts, or the trappings. I have the joy of giving to others, and celebrating the greatest Gift of all.

Merry Christmas and Hanukkah, my friends. May the season be full of joy, not trapped by association with food, and may this year bring blessings to you and yours.

The Bionic Broad out.

The whole meatball

2011-12-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

This is now my culinary world. See the baby spoon? I will use one of these as my main eating utensil for the next 6 weeks, in order to train me as to what a real bite size is. (The dime is added to show dimension.) The 2-oz. container? That will eventually be the size of one meal in a year or so. The baby bowl? I will take that to work to heat up my 2-ox. portion. I think that I'm going to start eating lunch at my desk, once I'm back to work. I have a few co-workers who will make great hay with this. *sigh*

Nine days post-op, and the surgeon put me on mushies already, which is ahead of schedule. Wisely and carefully using my baby spoon, I am now able to nibble on cottage cheese, poached egg, sugar-free puddings, and pureed meats. Also on the list, but not as far as I'm concerned, are applesauce, cream of wheat cereal, and mashed potatoes. This is no time to revert to the Typical American Diet (TAD) of sheer carbage.

Yesterday, at the Queen Mary's Promendade Cafe, I ordered a bowl of the soup of the day, which was albondigas, or meatball, soup. In this luscious broth sat five meatballs, about the size of ping pong balls. How much did I eat? In total, about one baby-spoonful of meatball, well-chewed. I was full. (I think. I haven't learned all the signals yet.) I brought the rest of the soup home, but at the rate I'm going, it's going to take me 2 weeks to eat the rest. Not likely, I'm thinking.

I am very happy that my chosen Way of Eating (WOE) is low-carb, because it's going to make this whole re-training process much easier. The surgeon told me that sleevers seem to fall into two categories: Those who follow the rules, do well in the mushies stage, transition smoothly into stage 4, regular eating, and lose an adequate amount of weight. These folks maintain their weight loss. The others, they don't follow the rules, blow the mushies stage, end up back on liquids, and supplement with crunchy things, like crackers and cookies. They don't lose much weight, and usually gain back all the pounds. Scary.

The trick right now is to get in 60 - 90 grams of protein a day. I definitely can't do it with my current eating capacity, since my stomach is still swollen. So, for now, I supplement with Isopure Dutch Chocolate. It's also very easy to get dehydrated with a sleeve, so sip, sip, sip all day.

There are vitamins that I will have to take bronto-amounts of for the rest of my life, like B-12, calcium, D, and B-1, and even as a post-menopausal chick, I have to take 18 mg. of iron a day. At this stage, they are liquids and chewables. One day, I'll get to take regular pills.

Maybe one day, I'll be able to eat a whole meatball.

The Bionic Broad out.

Thirsting for knowledge

2011-12-10T10:32:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of lifeionizers.com

After years of not eating when I was hungry (dieting), and eating when I wasn't hungry (binging, stress-eating), I have come to the realization that I can't tell the difference between thirst and hunger.

This sounds ludicrous to those who have never skewed their God-given and well functioning appetite, but for the obese, it's a confusing and cloudy issue.

Yesterday at school, I asked three thin and healthy people how they differentiated between thirst and hunger. Two of them asked me if I was joking. A third, who keeps an iron check on her weight and food intake, knew exactly what I meant.

What it seemed to boil down to for them was to drink water first, then, if the feeling persisted, they then would eat. I, on the other hand, almost always turned to food first. The results? Obesity, and a kidney stone from Hades, since I was always dehydrated.

These past 13 days have been interesting, with two protein drinks and one tiny low-carb meal a day. I have had to replace a lot of food with a lot of water, and I have noticed quite a difference. After years of a malfunctioning demon Lap-band that was thwarting my every weight-loss effort, not only was I usually dehydrated, but, as shown by my pre-op pre-albumin blood test, malnourished as well.

The fact that a person can be obese and malnourished was startling to me. Usually, jerks, cads, and family members, will be the first ones to say, "Just push away from the table!" They should say, rather, "Have a glass of water," or, "Eat more protein." Since my Band was keeping me from doing those two things, people around me were watching my weight go up, and up, and up.

My surgery has been moved up to Tuesday the 13th. I have to go quite awhile before I get to eat solid food. Have a helping of low-carb goodies for me during Christmas and New Year's. I'll post as I head in a new direction.

The Bionic Broad out.

Trottin' out the biotin

2011-12-07T07:44:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Amazon.com

Just a quick post before I head out to my pre-op appointment. I noticed on verticalsleevetalk.com that many bariatric patients take biotin to preserve their hair after surgery. Since my hair is downright wispy anyway, I decided to get a head start and begin taking it now. I haven't noticed much difference on top of my head, but I seem to have a surprising benefit: I'm not having those grinding hunger pains at 2 am that have awakened me ever since starting this very low-calorie pre-op diet.

When I checked out biotin, I saw that it helps with gluconeogenesis, the process by which the liver makes glucose on demand, using non-carbohydrate sources. Well, I am consuming 500 - 700 calories a day, and I was often too hungry to sleep. I've been taking biotin for three days, and I've slept through the night...for three days. Biotin? Coincidence? I really don't care. I'm sleeping through the night.

Now the question becomes, if I took it during the day, would I have the same benefit? Would I better be able to control my hunger? Perhaps some of you would try it, and email me your results. For me, the Isopure drinks keep me full during the day, when I'm active at work. I need the hunger-dampening at night. Biotin isn't expensive. I'm taking one capsule (5,000 mCg) daily.

No, I am not an Amazon associate anymore, and no, I don't get a kick-back from anyone for plugging products. I know that we all struggle with weight and weight issues, hunger, and self-esteem. When I discover (ahem...stumble upon) something that might benefit us, I try to pass it along.

Off to Harbor City I go. 74 miles by distance, 90 minutes of travel time. Ahhh, ya' gotta' love Southern California.

The Bionic Broad out.

Fatty liver non-lover

2011-12-03T15:24:00.000-08:00

Image courtesy of http://www.pamf.org

Anytime someone has bariatric surgery, one of the concerns that surgeons have is de-fatting the liver. The liver, even in a lean person, sits in its recliner, sprawled carelessly over everything that the surgeon needs to get to. A liver retractor is used to move Mr. Liver out of the way, but in a porky person? The amount of visceral fat that we have wrapped around our organs is incredible, and, in some morbidly obese patients, the surgeon has to use a liver paddle to do the job. During surgery, it's not as if the surgeon can grow a third arm to battle the liver while trying to cut, and staple, and swab, and...!

The person following the Typical American Diet (TAD) has a fatty liver, and it's even worse for those TADers who also drink alcohol. One of my relatives, who never touched a drop of alcohol in her life, had a fatty liver so bad that she had cirrhosis from it. Thank you, but no.

With all that in mind, one of the most difficult parts of bariatric pre-op is the liquid protein diet that one has to follow to make man-handling the liver less of a problem. My protein of choice is Isopure, which I started drinking before I had my Lap-band procedure in December of 2005. (I find it a bit ironic that I am having the Band out and the sleeve done, God willing, in December, also.) Isopure seems to be absorbed much better than the cheap-o brands. If you aren't lactose intolerant, the way to tell if your brand is junk is by whether or not it gives you diarrhea. That means that the protein isn't being absorbed, and is traveling to your large intestine, partying all the way...out. Since I am not morbidly obese, the surgeon told me that I should have either three protein drinks a day, or two drinks and a tiny meal. I usually opt for the tiny (low-carb) meal.

For the first time since 2008, when my then-surgeon, Dr. Lack-of-Care, maxed out my Lap-band, I can eat pork loin. Cottage cheese. Hamburger meat. I can drink a 16-oz. bottle of water in a few minutes, instead of an hour. I have been on the pre-op plan since Monday, and I have already lost 8 pounds. That's what 500 - 700 high-protein, low-carb calories do to you.

For those of you who are not squeamish, I found a video of the procedure, if you who are curious. Also, I found out that I can keep my "Bionic Broad" moniker. The surgeon will be using titanium staples! Yahooooo!

The Bionic Broad out.

Fluffin' annoyed and over-full

2011-11-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

I am trying my best to be calm, cool, and collected, and to say what I have to say with grace, dignity, and poise.

Aw, to heck with it. In the words of one of my favorite You Tube guys, I'm fluffin' pissed.

After a three-hour round-trip to see my bariatric surgeon, here is what I have learned:

1. Some (unethical) surgeons, who feel that they lose money on Lap-band fill visits, will sometimes fill the Band too full, too quickly, to cut down on patient follow-up visits. Case in point: Guess how many CCs my 11-CC Lap-band had in it? Give up? 11 CCs. After only 3 fills. Should have been 8 - 10 visits, with fills done 1 CC at a time. No wonder I couldn't swallow well or eat solid food without many things getting "stuck." My former surgeon lied to me by telling me that I had 7 CCs in my Band.

2. When protein becomes inedible (see #1), the Lap-band patient often turns to high-calorie soft foods, which supply too many calories for the metabolism. Deprived of protein, the body turns to quick sources of glucose by breaking down muscle tissue. This, in turn, only lowers the metabolism more. Hence, increased porkiness.

3. My HMO (Kaiser) doesn't put IN Lap-bands anymore. They take them out. I am praying that years of a maniacally too-tight Band haven't left me with too much damaged stomach tissue, or too much scar tissue, to do a revision to a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG). The surgeon told me that, no matter how disciplined or motivated his patients are, every single one has gained back their weight after having the Lap-band taken out. Every. One.

4. With a too-tight Band, not only does the top part of the stomach dilate, but the esophagus ultimately becomes like a small stomach, with food stretching it, backing up into it, and ROTTING in it. If the thought of that doesn't give you the heebie-jeebies, nothing will. My upper GI distinctly showed the Barium I drank being "refluxed" back into the esophagus. My new surgeon told me that, at night, it's not unusual for Lap-band patients to aspirate (breathe in) the rotting food. It adds a new meaning to the phrase "morning breath," yes?

So, what does this all mean? I am scheduled for surgery on December 14th, and I won't know if I'm having a one-step surgery (removal of Lap-band, revision to a VSG) or two-step (removal of Lap-band, VSG in a year or so, when the stomach heals) until the surgeon takes a look inside. As a side note, he might also take out my gall bladder, because I have a calcified gall stone the size of a jaw breaker that showed up on an X-ray.

I had NO post-op education on how to eat with a Lap-band, NO decent follow-up with fills, and an almost total lack of support from my (non-Kaiser) former surgeon. This new gentleman is going to be a very different doc.

There are three things that I am going to ask of my wonderful readers, all 12 of you:

1. Please pray that I am able to have the one-step procedure. The more weight I gain in that year of waiting will only complicate the revision even more.
2. Every time you see a "Get thin!" commercial or advertisement, touting the Lap-band as something desirable, please let loose with a resounding razzzzzzberry. Those ads are seducing the obese into squandered money and, possibly, their health.
3. Last, but not least, PLEASE, if you have any friends who are contemplating the Band, have them do some very careful research. When I had mine, five years ago, there wasn't as much information available as there is now. Please advise them to be very cautious, and ask a gazillion questions, as in failure rate, their doctor's fill process, etc.

In the meantime, I am on three protein drinks a day, until the 14th, so pity my Best Half and Youngest Son, who have to deal with my crankiness. Hoo, boy.

The Bionic Broad out.

Chewing the fat

2011-11-05T08:44:00.000-07:00

I can always tell when fall has finally arrived, because my coconut oil solidifies and is no longer liquid. That doesn't compare in any shape or form to people trying to dig out from under a freak October snowstorm, but there you are.

One of the things that gets me out of bed in the morning is, what I consider, the perfect cup of coffee. Half-caff (the old liver ain't what it used to be), with cream, Splenda, and coconut oil. When I snapped this photo with my trusty Droid, I didn't realize at the time that this is an almost-perfect low-carber's counter: The perfect cup of coffee, butter, and bacon grease. Ah, bliss.

After a quick glug, let's get down to business.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, some researchers out there are starting to get it. This scary article from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine tells us that the toxic materials from the breakdown of non-saturated fats (read: corn oil, generic vegetable oils, soybean oil, canola oil) can kill obese pancreatitis patients. When the scientists induced obesity in mice, the fatty deposits in their pancreases that brought on pancreatitis were composed of NON-saturated fat. (What else brings on pancreatitis? Gallstones and alcohol use. What brings on gallstones? Low-fat, low-calorie diets.) These toxic by-products cause a higher chance of developing inflammation (heart disease), cell and tissue death, and organ failure. Needless to say, I ain't talking about the Wurlitzer.

What's the answer to this? Lard, tallow, butter, suet, virgin coconut oil, virgin palm oil, bacon grease. All the lovely God-made fats that make our food tasty. All the fats that kept humans healthy for eons. All the healthy fats that our grandparents and great-grandparents used until the "Guy from CSPI" food Nazis thought that they were wiser than the generations of our butter-noshing, lard-frying, ancestors. (Insert razzberry here.)

This article, from Spain, talks about how nut consumption helps those with metabolic syndrome by increasing serotonin, which helps transmit nerve signals, thereby decreasing hunger signals. The article does, however tout the unsaturated fats in nuts, ignoring the fact that nuts, especially yummy ones like macadamias, also contain sat fat.

Even today, with all the research disproving the recommendation, obese patients are ordered to subsist on celery sticks and fat-free dressing, not understanding that that way of eating (WOE) does nothing but promote terrible lipid panels, tissue inflammation, diabetes, and heart disease in persons who have sensitivities to carbohydrates, as in the majority of the Earth's population. But, no matter. We're all fat because we eat too much fat, right? Right? (cricket, cricket)

In closing, my upper GI to see what my Lap-band thinks it's doing is Wednesday. When those results end up going to the bariatric surgeon, I may or not be a bionic broad any more. Good heavens. I won't know what to call myself. Well, for now, anyways...

The Bionic Broad out.

A change of direction

2011-10-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

My thanks to those of you who have stuck with me through the months of silence, especially Carole in Utah. Although I'm a bit ashamed to say it, when we took Eldest Son all the way to western Pennsylvania to start college, my depression crested to a point that I couldn't write. I managed to stay up with my job, which is stressful, but I had no energy left over to post anything. You probably wouldn't have wanted to read my dreary ramblings anyway.

When I started to recover from that, I looked around, saw a gazillion new low-carb blogs on the 'net, and figured that the niche was over-crowded to the point that one more non-humor- or -recipe-based low-carb blog wasn't going to make any difference.

Now, that I'm out of my London-foggy funk, I find that I'm a statistic, one of the many with a failed Lap-Band. "Oh, bother," as Pooh says.

I have gained back most of the weight I initially lost with the band, even though I eat low-carb. I am reduced to eating almost nothing but dairy protein (or very greasy food), because instead of doing 8 - 10 adjustments to my band, my quack-tor did 3. I went from zero to 7 CC in an 11 CC band in three visits. My band is too tight, has been for years, which has presented me a few challenges:

1. I cannot eat the way I need to maintain weight loss. Healthy veggies can't pass through the band. I can't eat any leftover or dry-ish animal protein because it gets stuck. Salads do the same, and leave me hungry afterwards.

2. The area where the band has compressed may be damaged, as my esophagus may be dilated due to having to fight against the back pressure. Until I have my fluoroscopy, the bariatric surgeon won't know for sure.

Now, the real challenge. Sure, I can have the band out. But what do I do in the meantime? I am terrified to the point of having nightmares at the thought of having nothing left in place to help me get back down to a healthy weight.

This link, http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/236626.php, is only one of many that has hit the 'net lately, showing that the people who have always told me, "Just push away from the table," are morons. MORONS. Obesity and weight loss are so complex as to be beyond Einstein. It's the hormones, stupid.

Do I have a Lap-Band revision? Do I have a by-pass? A Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy? A Duodenal Switch? Will the surgeon even care enough to help me find a surgical alternative? Or will s/he be a "Table. Push away," kind of person? *sigh* Morons, I tell you.

So, I'm not sure where to go from here. I do know that I am going to blog about the journey, whether anyone else comes with me or not. There are low-carb bloggers out there who amuse greatly, yet are still fat. There are ones who make it all look easy. I read them, too. All I know is that there have got to be folks out there like me, who have done everything nutritionally "right," and have reaped few rewards.

I don't think that I'm alone. But, even if I am, I will still put the journey on the map.

The Bionic Broad out.

Exercise - The check-in

2011-07-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Amazon.com

Drum roll, please. Following the program outlined in Volek and Campbell's TNT Diet, I have lost an inch off my waist in one week.

No, I am not related to these guys. No, I was not provided a free copy of the book to review (I'm not popular enough for that). Amazon has suspended its Affiliate program here in California, so I don't get a kick-back from them if you order the book. No, I am not compensated for this in any way, except that I lost an inch off my waist.

Since I already eat a low-carb diet, I didn't do much differently, except to include their resistance training workout, and use their nutrition recommendation on those training days. I am following their Plan A, since I don't eat much carb in the first place. Per their recommendation, I have tried to add more low-starch veg to my diet. This has been easy, since my garden is exploding with four types of tomatoes.

I go to the gym three days a week, for about 30 minutes, and I am very pleased with the results. (Did I tell you that I lost an inch off my waist?)

The Bionic Broad out.

Exercise - the eight-letter word

2011-07-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of www.hopkins-arthritis.org

Ask me to live without sugar and starchy veg, and I don't hesitate. Ask me to forego, because of my Lap-band, rice, pasta, bread, tortillas, and potatoes, and I hardly blink. Ask me to get my lazy butt into the gym, and I sigh. I roll my eyes. I come up with every excuse under the sun (Too tired, too busy, too too). Unfortunately for me, one fact has become quite clear: Exercise is not an option.

Let's look at some facts:

1. The average person loses 6 pounds of muscle between the ages of 30 and 50. The more muscle we have, the more calories we burn, even at rest.

2. Fat cells secrete chemicals that actually break down muscle tissue.

3. Between 25 and 40, the average person gains a pound of body weight every year.

The answer is NOT to throw ourselves like lunatics onto a cardio machine at the gym. The harder we exercise, the less carb (glycogen) we burn. In a minute, I'll talk about why that is a problem.

Let's look at a few basics: Glycogen/sugar/carb is stored in muscle. This enables us to react to situations, such as "fight or flight." When someone sneaks up behind us and yells "Boo!," our muscles tense and we are poised to sprint away. This is a primal response and made possible by the instantly ready fuel stored in our muscles. If early humans had had to wait for their bodies to break down fuel to prep the muscles for that response, none of us would be here to read this blog. We would have been dinosaur-farts eons ago.

When our muscles are full of glycogen, we don't burn fat. When we hop onto a bike, treadmill, stair-stepper, or elliptical, and pound our brains out for 30 to 60 minutes, we are burning a small amount of fat instead of glycogen. Sounds great, right? The problem is, that's all the benefit we get. End of story.

Now, let's look at the person who does resistance training. When we lift weights, the glycogen/carb/sugar is depleted in the muscles. The body must replace that energy source, so it does that by continuing, hours after the exercise session, to convert fat into glycogen and putting that back into our muscles. Because of this, the weight lifter loses more fat than the jogger. Period.

One caveat: If a person doesn't consume enough protein to enable the muscle growth and the glycogen replacement, the body will break down muscle tissue to convert into glycogen/carb/sugar to put back into the muscles. Guess what this type of cannibalism does to our blood sugar? You guessed it. As the muscle tissue is broken down to make glucose (sugar), insulin is released, which starts the fat-storage process. Very low-calorie diets (VLC) and low-fat diets aggravate this process. Your best bet? A high-fat, medium protein diet, which, when combined with resistance training, has proven to result in more fat loss, while sparing the muscle.

Note: Look at the upper bodies of avid runners and bicyclists. They have terribly skinny arms and chests, because they have broken down that muscle to use for energy. Not attractive.

The kicker: Since I am at that "certain age," instead of my insulin receptors being attached to muscle tissue (they feed glucose from the bloodstream into muscle tissue to be burned), my receptors are attached to fat cells, causing my fat cells to pork up at a constant rate. Hence, even though I am eating a very low-carb diet, I have slowly gained weight over the last four years. Without gaining more muscle mass, this process will continue, and the fat I burn for energy will be from dietary fat. What I need to do is build muscle, which will refuel by drawing from my fat storage. With little dietary carb, insulin will remain low so that my body can access the stored fat. That results in "Belly Be Gone." Without adding muscle tissue, I'm screwed.

For those of you more interested in the topic, TNT Diet: Targeted Nutrition Tactics, by Jeff Volek and Adam Campbell, is a fabulous resource and guide.

The Bionic Broad out...at the gym.

The government is always right

2011-06-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Yahoo! Health

Well, we can finally relax, ladies and gentlemen. Since the U.S. government deemed the American people too stupid to understand the old (misguided) food pyramid, they spent $2 million of our money to develop an easier-to-understand (misguided) logo to show us how to eat. Yep, the (insert drum roll here) My Plate is finally here. Goodness, I feel slimmer and healthier already. Not.

Let's say that I eat the Typical American Diet (TAD). Using My Plate, I would have peas, corn, or potatoes as my veg, fruit canned in syrup, bread or white rice as grains, and a nice, juicy piece of breaded, fried-in-canola-oil chicken. My dairy serving would be chocolate milk. Yum, yum. Meanwhile, my arteries would clog, my insulin would spike, and my Magic 8-Ball would read, "Yo! Diabetes!"

Now, let's assume that I am a health-conscious person. I would have broccoli, no butter, or salad, with low- or non-fat dressing, a sliced apple, brown rice, no butter, and a skinless chicken breast cooked with no fat. My dairy serving would be a blob of low- or non-fat cottage cheese. Yum, yum? Meanwhile, my arteries would clog, my insulin would spike, and my Magic 8-Ball would read, "Yo! Diabetes!"

How is this possible? I am doing everything that the government is telling me to, and goodness, the government is always right. Right? Hello? (cricket, cricket)

No, the government is not always right. In the face of 150 years of evidence showing that a low-carb, high-fat way of eating (WOE) keeps insulin levels normal, diabetes at bay, and heart disease down, what does it do? Push a higher-carb, low-fat WOE, of course. And the American public keeps getting sicker and fatter.

Let's look at My Plate using a healthier WOE: My veg would be broccoli dripping with butter, cauliflower with cheese sauce, or Brussels sprouts with bacon. Fruit would only be there about once a week, and as a dessert. Blueberries with cream and Splenda would be my choice. Grains wouldn't even be on the plate, since I want to keep my insulin levels low to prevent fat storage. My protein would be my version of chicken-fried steak, or a juicy, fatty steak, or a greasy burger with all of the low-carb fixings, sans the bun. What would be the result? Less hunger, low insulin levels, a happy brain, a humming liver, and a longer, healthier life.

And one very pissed-off government. Priceless.

The Bionic Broad out.

Misinformation station

2011-05-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of drkrider.com

I absolutely love it when misinformed and self-proclaimed experts bleat warnings designed to scare us to death, and keep us stupid and sick. One of my favs?

"High-fat diet is awful, but it may reverse diabetes-related kidney damage"

Say what?

One of my dearest friends died of complications of diabetes, one of those complications being defunct kidneys. A high-fat, low-carb diet might have reversed the damage that out-of-control blood sugar did. That's awful? What kind of twisted freaks are those scientists? Tom Naughton describes them very well in this video.

So what are some of the benefits of a high-fat, low-carb diet? How about a happy, humming brain? A possible prevention of Alzheimer's and Parkinson's? Help for damaged hearts? Weight control?

This is awful?

What other evidence does the scientific community need? Their crap science and unproven theories have turned this country into a society of sick people, who waddle from one low-fat diet to the next. Meanwhile, we get more and more ill, diabetic, heart-damaged, dementia-ridden, with more high blood pressure, strokes, and obesity. Wake up!!!! That stupid bowl of cereal, with skim milk, orange juice, and toast, is making you into a victim. That honking salad, dripping low-fat or fat-free dressing, is spiking your insulin. So is that skinless chicken breast, cooked with no fat, and that vegetable, served with no butter. Let's not even talk about all that fruit, and what it does to your liver.

Wake up, people!

Stop being a victim. Look at the research. Notice who is funding studies that talk about how evil and awful high-fat, low-carb diets are.

Remember that commercial, the one with the hospital bed following the guy from place to place? That's going to be us, if we don't wise up.

The Bionic Broad out.

High fat means just that

2011-05-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am often guilty of unadulterated carb-creep. Deluding myself into believing I'm still eating low carb, I would nibble potato chips on weekends, order breaded, battered bits at restaurants, and nosh on big bowls of blueberries. My weight would go up. Then, in a flurry of guilt, I would get the carb intake back down to where it needed to be, and gulp down protein drinks, since the Lap-band makes eating many meats difficult. My weight would still go up. When carbohydrate is greatly reduced in the diet, it needs to be replaced with either protein or fat. Unfortunately, I made the wrong choice.

Too much protein causes unstable blood sugar levels. The liver, who is usually our friend, turns foe. Mr. Liver takes that excess protein and converts it into glucose, or sugar, by means of a process that everyone has written about, gluconeogenesis. Gesundheit. Anyway, that can make a low-carber gain weight (Me! Me!) or at least severely stall a weight-loss effort. Guess which carbohydrate replacement I should have chosen? Yep. Fat. Luscious, saturated, hunger-sating, fabulous, fat.

I made some changes. Extra-virgin coconut oil and full-fat cream in my coffee, with a thick slice of aged Cheddar cheese as breakfast. Cotija cheese fried in virgin palm oil. Cream cheese and dried-beef roll-ups for lunch. Chicken skin fried into chips. Tuna salad with lots of mayo in avocado halves. Lower-protein shakes with cream and walnut oil. And guess what? I'm losing again. The belly is slowly deflating. My blood sugar is stable, and all's right with the world.

Of course, I just heard the screeches of the fatphobic in the distance. Well, don't take my word for it. Check out this great article, and learn to love lipids. Your body will thank you.

The Bionic Broad out.

Consider the source

2011-04-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Firehow.com

Does anyone remember "Inside-out Boy," where the kid went up and over the swing set, only to find himself with a new world-view? After reading an article that popped into my mailbox this morning, I feel as if I am he, with a wacky Weltanschauung.

According to a researcher from Louisiana State University, you can have your cake and eat it, too:

"Good news for candy and chocolate lovers: they tend to weigh less, have lower body mass indices (BMI) and waist circumferences, and have decreased levels of risk factors for cardiovascular disease (CVD) and metabolic syndrome, according to a new study(1) published in Nutrition Research."

Say what?!? Using that same twisted logic, substance abusers should receive a daily allotment of their drug of choice, pedophiles should be hired in schools, and cat burglars should work in jewelry stores.

Now, the kicker: "This research project was supported by the National Confectioners Association..."

Is anyone surprised by this? In a world where fat people are stigmatized, ostracized, and legally defamed, and the TV runs gazillions of commercials for crap 'n' carbage, and more and more children are adding daily finger-sticks to their morning routines, we are told that candy is a positive part of a weight-loss regimen?

Let me see if I can make this as simple as possible: Candy. Bad.

Insulin is both a friend and foe. Without it, we die. With too much of it, we die. Well, to be more specific, we get fat, and then we die. Since everything we eat turns to sugar (glucose) in our bodies, insulin is necessary to keep our blood sugar at healthy levels. But some foods are worse than others. Some cause a sit-by-the-riverbank-with-a-bamboo-fishing-pole kind of reaction. Others ("Candy. Bad.") cause a Miami-Vice-speedboat-run-over-you-slice-you-to-ribbons experience. Too many of these, and we are doomed to a future of lancets, blood-sugar meters, dialysis, and wheelchairs. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing Michael Moore. Erk.

Are sweets compatible with a low-carb lifestyle? Heck, yes. Check out a wonderful lady, Jennifer Eloff, and her blog and cookbooks full of low-carb goodness. Or Judy Barnes Baker, and her blog and cookbook. Both of these ladies make sweet sanity possible with a healthy, low-carb way of eating.

So, to recap: Candy. Bad. Do not believe cods-wallop funded by an agency whose members make a living by victimizing the victims. Welcome to the erythritol/Splenda zone. They won't make you look like a bloated bloviator.

The Bionic Broad out.

Spring means muddy feet

2011-03-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

One of my raised beds,

Note to self: Do not garden in sandals. You get worms between your toes.

For those of you in more northerly climes, I deeply apologize, but for us in the deserts of SoCal (PLEASE don't call it "Cali"...the true locals don't...), it's gardening time. With gasoline just below $4.00 per gallon, the price of food has skyrocketed. Tired of paying a king's ransom for cardboard produce, I have decided to take a few drastic measures.

Inspired by The Urban Homestead, I have decided that their advice not to waste water and time on anything inedible is very wise in this day and age. Out went the "spider" or "airplane" plants and the geraniums. In went lettuces, peas, spinach, artichokes, and strawberries. The raised beds sport four kinds of tomatoes, two types of eggplant, watermelon, cantaloupe, three types of hot peppers, orange bell peppers, and basil. One horse trough has been planted with bush-type pickling cukes, and another is full of onion sets. Another old and holey horse trough has been turned into an impromptu compost bin. I'm praying that some of these things will grow, and their corpses won't end up in the composter. I'm also hoping that I don't let it go like two years ago. Who knew that Swiss Chard could get eight feet tall if it decided that it was an orphan?

My semi-genetic urge to garden every spring isn't just cheapskate-ness. We don't eat enough veggies. Meat isn't a problem with our low-carb lifestyle, but vegetable matter is another issue. Most store-bought produce tastes like bitter water, and I'm sure that much of its nutritional value is depleted. I also would like to eat food that isn't a source of Hepatitis, and if I have to explain that one to you, you definitely don't live in California.

The Bionic Broad out.

Carry on, my (non) wayward son...

2011-03-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

As one can tell from my three posts in four days, I am on Spring Break. Normally, I would call this "Easter Break," but my district takes the vacation at an odd time. So, here I sit, with only so many counters to clean off, laundry piles to tackle, and errands to run. I was overcome with an itch to write, so, blog I must.

Since Eldest Son has early release from his high school, I had the rare opportunity to take him to Annie's Cafe, our local-for-the-locals eatery. In the BLC (Before Low Carb) days, I would order their fabulous bangers and mash, since this wonderful place is run by two Brits. But, alas, I must be "mash-less," so I order my cup of chili with cheese and onions, and watch everyone else eat things that would eventually send me off in the throes of dire diabetic death.

Eldest Son, who is off with a hefty scholarship to a college on the East Coast in the fall, made my mother's heart flutter. He ordered a stuffed pastrami burger, didn't eat all of the bread, munched a few fries, but dipped them in Ranch dressing, not catsup/ketchup (aka "red sugar of death"): He avoids high fructose corn syrup in all of its insidious forms.

Needless to say, I am proud of him, not only for his success in school, but his tenacity in following the low-carb lifestyle. This is a young man who, most likely, is going to have better health than many of his contemporaries. In the wake of a generation that has been brainwashed into thinking that eleven helpings pf carbohydrate a day is the norm (thank you, you ADA morons and your foolish, diabetes-inducing food pyramid), he knows the truth. He not only knows, but practices, clean eating. He knows that his diet needs more saturated fat, and is doing all he can to incorporate more of it into his daily diet. He knows, believes, and does. He's seen and experienced the many health benefits of the low-carb lifestyle.

Some parents worry that their college-bound progeny will explode in a frenzy of partying, like berserkers on a bender. They should be more worried about all the carbage that their dorm's food plan will throw at them. The Freshman 15 is turning into type II diabetes and plaque-y arteries. My boy? The Carnivore King will endure, of that I am sure.

The Bionic Broad out.

Sugar Sheep, Revisited

2011-03-16T06:57:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of KCSoaps

When I first started this blog, I was still in the throes of massive sugar cravings. Following a low-carb way of eating (WOE), I substituted low-carb candy when I needed a sugar-fix. Nobody bothered to tell me, of course, that the US is the only country where maltitol is sold as a sugar substitute instead of a laxative. Ahem...) Let's just say that I got hit with a double-whammy: Mailtitrots, and weight gain. My system is so sensitive that if I eat anything that even resembles sugar, I invariably end up gaining a few pounds. Even low-carb candy (sugar free does not mean low-carb) messed me up.

Through research and trial-and-error, I found something that is not only helping me, but also my two male progeny: L-carnitine. We take a 500 mg capsule every day, and we have noticed a marked decrease in sugar cravings, and I mean marked. If the carnitine is boosting the burning of fatty acids in the cells, maybe the extra available energy is keeping the blood sugar levels more stable. That way, the body doesn't scream for more energy by revving up the sugar cravings. All I know is that it is working well for us, for which I'm very thankful. I remember the old days, where I would chew my way through a one-pound bag of Skittles and a one-pound bag of M & Ms...every weekend. Erk.

The Bionic Broad out.

Scaled down

2011-03-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Masterfile.com

What you see is what I have done with my scale. After 41 years of slavery, I have finally liberated myself from the tyranny of the Mechanical Conscience. "Yea, I lost a pound. I am a good person," versus "Oh, no, I gained a pound. I must suck." I made a promise to my Best Half that I would only weigh myself once a week. On the verge of breaking my promise to him, the condemned device ended up in the trash bin. May it rot in a Landfill Hell. I'm done with it.

I am tired of being ruled by a non-sentient scale that I allow to determine, on a daily basis, whether or not I deserve to be happy or depressed. After a week of doing exactly what I should, eating exactly what I should, exercising as I should, I end up gaining weight. Is it water? Is it intestinal contents? The scale doesn't know. It just tells me that my world is destroyed, and I reek as a human being. The sad thing is, if any woman who isn't a stick, tells you that this is not her reality, she's either delusional or lying to your face. Men are defined by what they do. Women are defined by what they think they look like.

This week, I go to the doctor, to see what I can do about a Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) level that is slowly creeping ever upwards. Also, condemn the stroke...I need a bit more estrogen. I'm starting to look like that red and rotund guy on the Fruit of the Loom commercial. You know the one of which I speak. My MALE doctor is going to listen to me, one way or the other. If I have to stand on the nurse's station and jump up and down, that's what I'm going to do. My next blog entry may be from the hoosegow. We shall see.

The Bionic Broad out.

Uncommon knowledge

2011-02-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Current.com

Everyone knows that the Earth is flat, right? Just like we know that the astronauts didn't land on the moon. They were on a sound stage in Los Angeles. And there's an alien corpse in Roswell, some races are superior to others, and there's no difference between men and women. Well, let's add to the stockpile of commonly held but fallacious beliefs. According to an article published by a researcher at Oklahoma State, "It's common knowledge that too much cholesterol and other fats can lead to disease, and that a healthy diet involves watching how much fatty food we eat."

Whoa, Nelly. "Common knowledge?" Then why does the researcher turn right around and say, "However, our bodies need a certain amount of fat to function and we can't make it from scratch"? I thought that cholesterol and fats were B-A-A-A-D, and would lead to total climate collapse.

Now, I'm no braniac of a scientist, merely a lowly school counselor. I eat lard, butter, duck and bacon fat, and full-fat dairy. According to the Oklahoma scientist, I should be buying that ole' cemetery plot even as we speak. But wait! My HDL is 85, and my triglycerides are 77. How can that be? It's common knowledge that too much cholesterol and fat will kill us, right? Right? (Insert the sound of crickets here.)

This article is chock-full of excellent information about how essential fats are to the body, and how the body uses them. But why, oh why, does she have to preface the article with a commonly held falsehood? She could have said that it's common knowledge that too many vegetable and corn oils will cause vascular inflammation, leading to heart disease and stroke. She could have said that too much high-fructose corn syrup can lead to vascular inflammation, a fatty liver, and cirrhosis. She could have said that eating too many carbs will lead to elevated blood sugar, nerve damage, and diabetes. But no. She chose to completely discredit a fine article by opening it with a belief with which normally rational scientists stubbornly continue to delude themselves. As for me, I'm off to breakfast on that ham and pepper-jack cheese that I fried in lard.

The Bionic Broad out.

Shangri-what?

2011-02-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of TLC.

A few weeks ago, I ran across the Shangri-La Diet on Dana Carpender's blog Hold the Toast! Since I am always on the look-out for new research on obesity and ways to healthily tweak the low-carb lifestyle, I found a used copy of the book and ordered it. Let's just say that, after reading it, I was less than impressed.

DRINK OIL?!?!?!?! You must be mad. Hold my nose at the same time? Sheer lunacy. I vowed to show the world that this was just another crackpot out to make a buck on the backs of the desperate.

I bought a honking bottle of extra-light olive oil, and followed Seth Roberts' simple-to-follow guidelines. Even though I eat a high-fat diet, the olive oil tore up my gizzards a bit. I finally settled on grape-seed oil, and "everything" has calmed down.

The first week, nothing. "Aha," I crowed. "I KNEW that this was a crock!" Well...ahem...let's just say that in the three weeks following, I've dropped four pounds. I have NOT changed my way of eating. I have NOT done anything differently. I have glugged down the prescribed amount of oil on a daily basis, and I've noticed the following:

1. I am not as hungry.
2. I am "regular," to say the least.
3. My skin isn't as dry and itchy.

Some people would say that a pound a week is so unremarkable as to be beneath notice. I beg to differ. I am, as the French say, a woman of that certain age. I have also had various plumbing parts removed. Add to that mix an extremely sedentary and stressful job, and the net result is BigBelly-itis. One pound a week is a Godsend. One pound a week is a miracle. One pound a week is a gift that I gladly accept with both hands.

Do I like drinking oil floating on water? Well, in a sick and twisted way, I've come to enjoy it. I love having my appetite muted. And, let's face it: I don't have chapped lips any more.

Does it really work the way that Seth Roberts explains it? I dunno. Is it because it makes my diet higher in fat? Maybe because I'm consuming 400 calories a day that don't trigger an insulin gusher? Double I dunno. All I can say for sure is that it seems to be working for me.

If you are in the least bit interested in a painless and mindless way to lose a teeny bit of weight a week, give it a try. Just don't do it around skeptical family members and friends. They'll think that you're crazy

The Bionic Broad out.

Get 'em while they're young

2011-01-15T07:14:00.000-08:00

Throughout the ages, many dictators, despots, and despicables knew that, if you grabbed the hearts and minds of the youth, the nation would follow. Over Christmas Break, I was given another example of this.

Arts and Entertainment Network (A&E) ran an AETV Classroom show entitled The Supersized Generation: Kids and Obesity. By now, I'm used to the propaganda put out by the corn growers about health-harming high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), and the "guy from CSPI" and their froth-at-the-mouth, wild-eyed demonization of McDonald's. But this miserable program took the proverbial cake. What a dangerous and cruel hoax they are visiting upon our children.

Two children were show-cased, an elementary school-aged diabetic, and a young boy who had been greatly obese since he was a toddler. The young girl was a type-2 diabetic, severe enough to have to inject herself in the stomach twice a day with insulin. Her mother was complaining about how difficult it was to keep her daughter's blood sugar under control. What did she feed her for breakfast? Oatmeal. Orange juice. Toast. Freakish behavior for someone worried about blood sugar levels, wouldn't you say?

The other child, a young boy, was brainwashed into believing that any dietary fat at all was going to kill him. His mother crowed about how she cooked with no added fat whatsoever. It was telling to see that any slimming that the boy did was due to a growth spurt, not weight loss. How anyone can demonize healthy fats and terrify a young child like that is beyond me.

The show went on to preach about the "calories in, calories out" claptrap, and to make McDonald's, once again, look like a villain. One family being raised by a single mother was obese, supposedly due to their diet of fast food, such as pizza.

Funny, we had pizza last night, and our boys aren't obese. I wonder why. Could it be that we have been a low-carb family for five years? Could it be that they are current on the latest research about the low-carb lifestyle? Could it be that they don't rely on brainwashing and indoctrination, such as this AETV show?

The Bionic Broad out.

Fluoride and fluffiness

2011-01-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

Flash: The AP has reported that there's too much fluoride in our water supply. (See here.) After all the talk about the obesity epidemic, and how we overweight people are just gluttons and sloths, maybe, just maybe, there's a bit of vindication in this story.

For years, the medical establishment has known about the negative effects of fluoride on thyroid function. Fluoride isn't just in our water, but in our toothpastes, mouthwashes, and even in tea. So, here we are, fighting the fluffiness, and being given the advice to drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Maybe we need to check what we're drinking.

How many of us have been told by our doctor that our weight issues have nothing to do with our thyroid, that it's just a case of not pushing away from the table hard enough? Maybe it's time to dump a great big glass of our heavily fluoridated water on his or her tiny little head.

The Bionic Broad out.

Why ignorance was bliss: A book review

2011-01-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Amazon.com.

After slogging my way through Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories, I was smugly certain that I was fully armed with everything I needed to know about why the low-carb lifestyle was beneficial. Yet, once again, even though I knew better, I jettisoned myself off of the wagon, and went back to a life of carbage, low energy, and depression. Then, Gary Taubes' newest book, Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It, popped into my mailbox, and all bets are off. That book has scared me to death.

Let's put it this way: Yesterday was Youngest Son's birthday. He asked for his celebration dinner to be at The Melting Pot, a scrumptious and divinely expensive restaurant. There were four courses of cheese fondues, salads, meat and oil fondues, and dessert. I did not eat the dessert. Now, for those of you who know me, that last statement is enough to make you shake your head and say, "Yeah, right." Folks, I had no dessert. I waited until I got home to have a carb-friendly nosh before I went to bed. Why? That book has scared me to death.

What is so scary about Mr. Taubes' book? I never knew just how evil insulin is. Whether or not I ever lose another pound, whether or not I get back into once-fitting clothes I've been hoarding in the back of my closet, no matter what. To keep my health and mental acuity, I must keep insulin levels down. I have to. End of story.

Exercise is not my salvation. Fiber isn't going to help me. Vitamin pills, protein powders, and the newest nutritional fads are not messiahs. What can I do to be the healthiest that I can be? I must, must, I tell you, keep my insulin levels low. How can I do that? Cut out the freakin' carbage.

Calories in/calories out is crap. Exercise doesn't make us thin. The body doesn't need one calorie of carbohydrate. Mr. Taubes shows us why, using the results of scientific studies already out there, information that the medical and nutritional establishments are keeping from us. Why? I'll let Mr. Taubes explain that one to you himself.

Get the book. I don't want to be the only one unnerved by how we're being led to health hell by those who know better and refuse to let us in on the secret. Get the book.

The Bionic Broad out.

Hippo Birdies Two Ewes!

2010-09-30T04:39:00.000-07:00

Happy 18th birthday, Eldest Son. Since you are a dedicated low-carber, weight-lifter, and health-conscious young man, I wouldn't bake you a typical birthday cake, but I did find this wonderful zombie cake creation, so here it is. Enjoy.

To those of you who think that 35 is too old to have a first child, I say... fuggedaboutit. Joy has no timeline.

To the young man who helps keep me living the healthy low-carb lifestyle, I say, "Thank you."

To the young man whom, as my mother says, was raised for a world that no longer exists, I say, "Good job, young man of fine character."

To the young man who loves God, I say, "Thank you, Lord."

And I also say, "I always have, do, and always will, love you more than air conditioning." To anyone who has ever lived in Barstow, California, this makes a lot of sense.

Hippo birdies, my son.

The Bionic Broad out.

(Photo courtesy of Thewondrous.com)

Cringe Eating

2010-09-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

In the course of my business day, two people come to mind: Student A, who hangs around the cafeteria, trying to find unopened cartons of chocolate and strawberry milk that other students leave on tables, and Student B, whom I'll discuss in a few.

Student A is huge. I don't know how else to describe him. I have seen him down four or five extra cartons of the sugary, disgusting carbage that American schools label "milk." He does this on a daily basis, after consuming his regular public-education-approved lunch of pizza, corn dogs, quesadillas, chicken nuggets, and the like. He is always alone, always sad, and the only time I see him look happy is when he is shoveling some type of sugar down his throat.

It's called "self-medication," and I used to do it constantly: Friday night's one-pound bag of Skittles, followed by Saturday night's one-pound bag of M & Ms. I've lost count of the bags of potato chips, gallons of ice cream, and packages of cookies that I would snarf every weekend. Why? Because I was miserable, couldn't sleep, and the blood-sugar spike always calmed me down and made me sleepy. Hence, self-medication. Of course, the acid reflux would wake me up later, and the low-blood sugar-blues made me feel like crap-o the next morning, but golly, at least I could forget about my miserable existence, at least for a little while.

Now let's discuss Student B. I have to get out of the cafeteria by the time the bell rings, because this student starts eating everything in sight: His own tray of food, the untouched food that others leave on tables, but also the partially eaten food left on trays, the scraps from the garbage cans, and the pieces of food on the ground. The first time I saw what this student did, I had dry heaves all the way back to my office. He will eat any food, in any condition, anywhere. Well, my friends, I've done this, too, to a point: On a regular basis, I would get sick to death of my binge eating, and dump all my candy into the trash, only to pull it back out and eat it later. I don't mean just the kind in a bag or wrapper. I would literally pull the candy itself out of the trash and eat it. To explain this bizarre behavior, I need to back up a bit in time.

When I was a teenager, the cabinets were chained and locked. So was the refrigerator. To be able to get food, I quickly learned how to take the cabinet doors off of their hinges, and put them back on so that I didn't get punished. The neighbor, a wonderful Scottish lady, would have me babysit on weekends, knowing that I would eat everything in her kitchen. And that's no joke. I literally would eat all the food that she had in her house. It wasn't until years later that I realized that she knew... and had me babysit so that I could eat. Is it any surprise that I learned to binge eat? Is it shocking to know that, when money gets tight and our food supply in the house gets low, I start to panic? I'm 53, but it doesn't matter. I learned those behaviors many years ago, and some things never change.

Enter the Lap-band. One of the major reasons that I got the gastric banding done was to provide me with a physical barrier that made binge eating impossible. Now, four years after the surgery, I can proudly say that I don't binge eat, and I very seldom self-medicate. I'm not saying that I don't occasionally jettison myself off of the low-carb wagon, but many of my maladaptive eating patterns are a very rare thing, nowadays.

Why am I talking about all of this? Because obesity and weight and food issues are complex puppies. We are a sum of our environment, genes, and behaviors, and there's no "one stop" answer. We need to be aware of why we do what we do, because, if we aren't, we are doomed to stay as we are, instead of as we'd like to be.

The Bionic Broad out.

(Photo courtesy of chancedite)

More tidbits

2010-09-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

What a week. I'm sure, like most of you, this has been seven days of ups and downs, "goods" and "bads." In an effort to balance the scales, I've pre-ordered Gary Taubes' new book, Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It. I've also ordered sample bars from Quest, to see if, for once, someone can make a truly low-carb protein bar that doesn't taste like medicinal cardboard, or send me to the bathroom at inopportune times (thank you, sugar alcohols). I'm also trying Dr. Al Sears' PACE program, to see if I can deal better with my job-related stress. (I have noticed that, two weeks into it, I'm not having any more stress-induced chest-wall syndrome pain). So, to blow off the remaining frustrations from the week, here are a few residual echoes of a week from semi-Hades:

There's nothing like being at the gym, ready for a good workout, and seeing a smug, sweaty, constipated-sounding guy throwing a weight stack around. Yes, I'm overweight. Yes, I'm a woman of a certain age. But I want to run over and tell him, "Dude. You only think that you are lifting weights." Besides being sneered at and sweated on, he'd probably laugh at me. But he's using momentum to lift those weights, not his muscles. The key to building metabolism-motivating muscle? Let the weight down s-l-o-w-l-y. And you, the trying-to-be-intense young guy, wearing a hat indoors like a no-class twit, the one not using a towel to wipe off the machines: You reek, dude. Literally.

Ladies, quit eying my high-fat, low-carb lunches like you know why I'm overweight. You, with your starchy Lean Cuisines and huge, bready Subway sandwiches. Yes, you, the ones wearing the big blouses to hide the rolls of fat at your bra-line and waist. Wonder where those bulges come from? How about looking at your own lunches, instead of judging mine?

And, last but not least, you, the paunchy geek standing in line at Starbucks. Yes, you, the one who feigned a heart-attack when the barista called out my order of a decaf latte made with heavy cream. You trotted your no-fat, no-fun coffee drink over to the condiment bar, where you proceeded to dump a few packages of sugar into your already-unhealthy concoction. I'll stick with my cream and Splenda. You can have your sugar-filled, lactose-bulging brew. Based on your belly, you already do.

*Sigh* I feel much better already. I'm hoping that this week goes better. My next entry, when I work up the courage, will be addressing binge eating, the bane of many of us who are trying to pare down our weight and improve our health. Until next week, stay strong, and curb the carbage.

The Bionic Broad out.

Fear the Frankenfats

2010-08-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

Low-carbers need their own version of the "Easy" button, because scientists are taking a very simple idea and twisting it into something freakish. Case in point: Institute of Food Research scientists have found the process by which our bodies break down fats and produce feelings of satiety, or fullness. Their goal? To create (c-r-e-a-t-e) food structures that simulate the process and make us feel full. They state that since most of the fat in processed foods is eaten in the forms of soups, yogurt, ice cream, and mayonnaise, ' "we are unpacking the mechanisms of digestion used to break them down so we can design fats in a rational way that are digested more slowly." ' Huh?!?

I can save you a ton of money, guys. Just eat the soups, yogurt, ice cream, and mayonnaise.

Does anyone remember the Olestra debacle? The bag of chips that would leave you with, quote, "greasy diarrhea and anal leakage?" Has anyone talked with anyone who has used Orlistat and went on a fat binge? If you want to wear brown and black pants for the rest of your life, shine on, sister. Personally, scientists play with our food enough. They need to get out of the sandbox and go home.

We low-carbers already eat foods that make us full and keep us that way longer. We do that by shunning the sugars and starches that rattle our blood sugar by triggering insulin. We eat the (plain) yogurt, the high-fat (made without flour) soups, the (low-carb) ice creams , and the (woo hoo!) mayonnaise. Yesterday: Macadamia nuts, coffee with cream and Splenda, sharp Cheddar cheese, smoked pork, mayonnaise and horseradish sauce, chocolate fudge made with Xylitol and cream, and I'm down another pound this morning. I don't need scientists mucking about with my food supply. It's mucked up enough already.

The Bionic Broad out.

Just what we need...

2010-08-17T04:56:00.000-07:00

As if we needed another reason to maintain the low-carb lifestyle, check out this article from Diabetes in Control. It seems that Type 2 diabetes does the same kind of damage to the lungs as smoking.

Dutch scientists looked at the results of 40 different studies, and found, even in diabetics without pre-existing pulmonary disease, that diabetes increases the risks for patients with asthma and COPD. Systemic inflammation is the culprit, and that inflammation has also been linked to other chronic diseases as well. Where other studies disagree with this one is the Dutch scientists' explanation of the cause of the systemic inflammation, namely metabolic syndrome and inactivity. Maybe to a degree, but anyone who has read any good tomes on the low-carb lifestyle know that inflammation is caused by carbage, pure and simple. Put that in your pipe and not smoke it.

The Bionic Broad out.

Holy hypocrisy, Batman!

2010-08-10T05:05:00.001-07:00

I stumbled upon two studies, back to back, that caused even me to become speechless. Needless to say, that falls into the category of airborne swine and frozen magma.

One study comes out of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, whining and moaning through the stereotypical mantra of "People are so fat and they aren't getting any thinner what can we do about it since they are just big fat slobs who don't care." As if to answer the question, this study appears, saying that when obese women unknowingly add sugary soft drinks to their diets, they don't suffer and ill effects from the sugar, including mood swings, weight gain, etc. This eye-opening study was partially funded by (drum roll please) the Scot Sugar Bureau. Thank you, laddie, I can rest easy now, knowing that my touchy blood sugar, obesity, and pre-diabetes are all a result of psychology, not sugar's narcotic-like effect on my body. What a bunch of doofs. Experts bleat about the so-called obesity epidemic, even though the new definition of obesity puts millions more in that category, while, at the same time, they unload propaganda disguised as science to tell us that sugar's ill effects are all in our head.

One free breakfast days, the students at my school are given Pop Tarts. For lunch yesterday, they were given bean and cheese burritos (sugar), chicken nuggets (sugar), ketchup (lots 'o' sugar), pizza (sugar), salads with a roll and croutons (sugar), baked potato chips (sugar), and strawberry or chocolate milk, or orange drink (sugar). Many of them look like rolly-polies, with big bellies and lots of upper abdominal fat, with poor test scores and even poorer class room behavior. But, according to the experts, it's not due to all the sugar in their diet. It must be due to...well, to when the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars?

On a lighter note, we received our first order from Low Carb U, and we are in bready heaven. The Everything bagel is big, with only 6 grams of carb per serving, and even though I could only eat half, slathered in butter, I was a happy camper. It's nice to eat a low-carb bread product that doesn't taste like powdery cardboard. We also ordered hot dog buns, but haven't tried them yet.

Also, if you haven't tried Low Carb Luxury's cheese sauce, you are missing out:

1 c. heavy cream

1/2 c. water

2 c. shredded sharp Cheddar cheese

1/4 t. garlic salt

1 t. powdered mustard

1/4 t. paprika

1/4 t. Worcestershire sauce (French's uses no HFCS)

Put all ingredients in a double boiler, or a metal bowl over a saucepan with an inch or so of boiling water, and whisk until smooth. Other ingredients can be added, such as a tablespoon of lemon juice, curry powder, or any other spice that suits your fancy.

I layered diced left-over chicken, cooked cauliflower, and cheese sauce, and microwaved it until hot all the way through. It was delicious.

This week's items that helped keep me on track: Cream cheese and dried-beef roll-ups, and root beer floats made with Breyer's Carb Smart vanilla ice cream and Diet A & W root beer. Summer truly is here when I can be found with float-foam on the tip of my nose.

The Bionic Broad out.

Carb Collapse

2010-08-08T06:52:00.000-07:00

We've had a shake-up in the ole' homestead, with no one to blame but ourselves. Best Half needed to have some blood tests done, and found out that his numbers weren't looking so good. "Carb Creep," that process by which we start eating, bit by bit, more of those foods that make us fat and sick, had become "Carb Collapse." Compound that with my weight gain, and what you have is a pair of people who have decided to, once again, walk the straight and narrow. We KNOW that a high-carb diet raises our triglycerides through the roof. We KNOW that a high-carb diet makes HDL, the "good" cholesterol, go down, while it makes LDL, the "bad" cholesterol, go up. We KNOW that a high-carb diet makes a liver fatty, bringing on Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease and, eventually, cirrhosis. So, in the name of all that's healthy, why do we practically jettison ourselves off the low-carb path? And why do we do it repeatedly?

One answer might be a convenience issue. We are all so busy, and tired, and stressed, and pulled in seven directions at once. Carb is convenient. Convenience foods have all kinds of hidden carbs. When I leave the house at 5:30, and get home at 5, the last thing I want to do is cook a labor-intensive meal, which low-carb can be. It's much easier to use processed convenience foods to get that dinner on the table. Carb creep.

Another possibility is comfort. When one is raised to equate certain foods with comfort, as most of us are, times of real stress can drive us back into the arms of the foods we love, and who hate us. Salty and sweet, salty and greasy, these flavor combinations soothe our primal rages. Low-carb items can be substituted, but there are times when nothing but mom's frozen lemon dessert will fill the bill.

For me, one major issue is that my Lap-band is too tight, and my fill doctor has turned wack-o. The last time I went to see him, he sat in a chair, didn't even examine me, and charged me $40. And since I'm left with a too-tight band, I can't eat steak, most hamburger, cooked egg white, tuna, and a host of other high-protein items that are the staple of a low-carb diet. Dairy slides through real well, and then puffs up my lower half so that I start to look like Humpty Dumpty. Joy.

Most of the problems with jumping off the low-carb wagon are aesthetic. But when one has the opportunity to get blood work done, then he or she can see the cellular damage that's taking place. It's not pretty. And neither is the high-carb temptation all around us. At the used-car sale yesterday, there were boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts on the tables. I don't need to describe the types of people who were honking down the carb-bombs. Then the In-N-Out truck pulled in, and the same types of people were scarfing the hamburger buns, full-sugar sodas, and potato chips. Best Half and I, with our new-found commitment to health, ate our Double-doubles "protein style," sans the bun, and had diet soda. It's time to get our health and blood panels back to optimum ranges.

If you are struggling to stay true to a low-carb lifestyle, you are not alone in the battle. Just pick up a Diet Orange Crush soda, and look at the ingredients. Number two? High-fructose corn syrup. Give me a break. Even our friends can be our secret enemies. Hang in there, and keep fighting the good fight.

The Bionic Broad out.

Tidbits

2010-07-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well, since "the guy from CSPI" calls the new KFC Double Down Sandwich a piece of pure food porn (cue loud and overly dramatic music), my family and I couldn't wait to get out there and try one. We hopped in the car and zoomed down to our local KFC, where we had to wait ten minutes for seven of the sandwiches. Our KFC makes them as they are ordered, we were told, as they aren't selling many of them, and don't want to put them out to end up wasting them. After mass-consuming these delectable fat bombs, I wonder why they aren't selling out of them on a daily basis.

Purely by an oversight, I ended up with an Original style, which is breaded, versus the grilled style, which is not. The carb count on the breaded one is only 11 grams, so, in a day, if that's the only carb I eat, I'm still on track.

The verdict? Chicken...cheese...bacon...yummmmmm. My Lap-band makes eating chicken a real problem, especially if it's dry. I didn't have one problem with this baby. Juicy, full of protein and fat, with a bit of spicy kick. Let's just say that they were a real hit in my house, and "the guy from CSPI" can go pound celery.

Since the new Dietary Guidelines for Americans recommend a low-fat, plant-based diet, I can see a time when the Food Nazis step in and either prohibit the sale of items such as the Double Down, or impose such high taxes that sales plummet. How corrupt is it when the FDA serves itself by suggesting a plant-based diet? When I followed such a diet, my blood sugar was unstable, my blood pressure was borderline high, my triglycerides were off the chart, and my HDL was incredibly low.

I can remember family members berating me for being fat, even while they were buying me boxes of candy for certain holidays. That's what the FDA reminds me of. They lambaste us for being obese, then recommend a diet that's guaranteed to keep us that way. Could it be that much of their power base and monetary support come from keeping us chubby and sick? Do ya' think?

As for me and my house, we will dabble with an occasional Double Down, chomp on cheese, and eat all of those other foods that "the guy from CSPI" screams at us are a "HEART ATTACK ON A __________" (you fill in the blank).

The Bionic Broad out.

One can only hope...

2010-05-28T05:51:00.000-07:00

Usually, when teachers get together, it's your typical low-calorie, low-fat, carb-ridden snack storm. Many are heavier than is healthy, and many of them have some antiquated ideas about what's healthy and what isn't. But this blogger saw a bit of blue sky yesterday.

The usual fare during a morning meeting is orange juice and sweet rolls. At this meeting, however, breakfast burritos from a local chain restaurant were on the menu. I had my little container of egg yolks with cheese cooked in a bit 'o' bacon grease, and I watched some pretty hefty folks knock down an apartment-sized tortilla filled with beans, rice, and potatoes. But, to my amazement, a few of them wadded up the left-over tortilla, muttering, "Too many carbs." It may sound like a small thing, but I almost fell over.

I think that the truth may be percolating to a more basic level in our culture. Maybe the blood sugar-destroying, Weight Watchers-inspired meal of salad with fat-free dressing and saltine crackers is on the outs. Maybe someday, at one of those meetings, I will see sleek slices of bacon instead of pastries, and creamy, Splenda-sweetened coffee instead of orange juice. One can only hope.

The Bionic Broad out.

It's about stinking time...

2010-02-28T05:17:00.000-08:00

I once worked for a nasty, harridan of a woman who would ask a question, receive an answer, and then repeat the answer as if she'd just come up with the information. She used to make me crazy. When I saw this MSNBC article about LDL, the supposed "bad" cholesterol, I suffered a minor bout of deja vu, back to the days of that moron of an office manager.

Ask anyone who is up-to-date on nutritional research (which excludes most doctors and dietitians), and he or she will tell you that, for LDL, our actual number, alone, tells us nothing. LDL comes in four basic sizes: Large, fluffy, benign large particles (think cotton balls), which float around, harm no one, do a lot of sightseeing, take touristy photos, and occasionally take out the trash. At the bottom of the size-scale are the hard, unsavory, BB-like particles, which stand around on street corners, harass passers-by, and are constantly on the look-out for ways to do harm. These are the guys who lodge themselves into the walls of arteries already inflamed by high-carb diets, and latch onto every piece of sludge that goes by. This is how arterial plaque is born, and before you know it, you are a heart-attack on legs.

How does one assure that we have friendly, fluffy cotton balls instead of wicked, evil-doing BBs? Cut the carbs. High triglyceride levels, with a high-carb diet, produce the destructive kind of LDL cholesterol. A low-carb diet, which results in low triglyceride levels, produces cotton ball-type LDL. So, even though my LDL is 140, my triglycerides are 77, my HDL is 85, so that 140 reading is fluffy stuff. All's right with the world.

It's an amazing feeling for low-carb proponents, who have always been on the outside looking in when it comes to a high-fat, low-carb diet, to see the lame-stream media finally catch on to the truth that has been available all along. It's not the lard, it's not the butter, or the coconut oil, or the palm oil, or even the bacon grease, but that stupid, Styrofoam-like rice cake, that white flour, that sugar, that bogus bagel, that carb (the CARB) that's killing people. The rest of us, those in the know, are sitting back, politely dabbing the grease off of our chins, chuckling, saying, "We told you so."

The Bionic Broad out.

Slow-carb Update, Week...Um...Three? Four?

2010-02-13T05:46:00.000-08:00

Regardless of whether or not my senile brain can keep track of the weeks, I think that I'm on the right track with fasting.

I was using this method, but I found that I was eating too much on weekends. During school days, fasting wasn't a problem, but I think that I was making up for the week with the weekend. I lost a few pounds initially, then gained them back. Not good, since the two goals of intermittent fasting are to lose weight and to keep insulin levels down.

Even eating a regular low-carb diet, I was eating too much. There are folks out there who will tell you that they can fall face down into a trough of whipped cream and not gain an ounce. I'm not one of those. Because of my over-reliance on dairy and sugar-free candy on weekends (blush), I was still pumping out the ole' fat-storing insulin, and I knew that I had to make some changes.

Then Jennifer Eloff posted about a type of fasting called Fast-5, and this seems to be working out better for me. In fact, I am losing the pound a week that the author of this e-book claims.

In a nutshell, Fast-5 says to fast for 19 hours, and then eat for a 5-hour period. For me, since I get up at 4 am, and go to bed around 7:30 pm or so, I fast all day until 3 pm, when my five-hour window (blessedly) opens. During the day, I drink copious amounts of Good Earth Caffeine-free Original tea sweetened with Splenda. When my window opens, I have a low-carb protein drink during my commute home. I have tea with some cream and Splenda, and maybe an Atkins bar when I get home. Then I eat a low-carb dinner. Sometimes I have some blueberries with cream and Splenda. I haven't felt deprived, which is a major factor in my success at weight loss. The moment I start the "Why can't I have (fill in the blank)...," I'm sunk.

Another thing I'm doing is real weight training. I don't mean a 20-pound plate lifted 50 times. I mean the Slow-burn Fitness method, lifting my max weight in five, slow reps. It works. I chart how much I lift on each machine every time I go, and I'm seeing amazing gains in strength. Out of the blue, I had a chance to go hiking with a good friend, and since I have been concentrating on the weight-training instead of the cardio workouts, I wondered how my wind would be on a five-mile hike over hilly terrain. I did great. (Greatly?) Lifting weights this way works the pulmonary system, increases bone density, and helps with insulin resistance. The fasting does, too.

The bottom line for an old broad like me: Things that worked 25 years ago don't work today. At almost-53, I'm having to make some changes in my diet and fitness regimen. So far, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. It ain't fast, but it's working. I'm content with that.

The Bionic Broad out.

Slow-carb Update, Week 2

2010-01-31T06:31:00.000-08:00

Well, like they ask, do you want the good news or the bad news first? Me, I always opt for the bad, so that I can end on a happy note.

I was going gangbusters until I went to an early-evening meeting on Thursday, an "up" day, and I forgot my protein shake and tidbits of cheese. I ended up eating half of a small bean and cheese burrito and crackers. That lunacy kicked off a weekend of high-carb (no sugar) eating, and the idea that one can eat whatever one wants on "up" days is, for me, pure crap, if you'll excuse my language. I was up a pound on Saturday, my weigh-in day.

Like many people of my certain body-fat content, I have food issues. I won't go into boring detail, but, if there isn't sufficient food in the house to ward off hunger, I panic. It's a psychological thing that I'm well aware of, and still have to accommodate. Thursday evening, when I was hungry and needed a healthy dose of protein before beginning a fast, or "down" day, I had nothing available but carbage. Mentally, I couldn't begin my fast with my stomach growling, and I chose to eat junk, just to fill my stomach. That made the "down" days harder, since I was operating with unstable blood sugar levels.

The good news? This way of eating (woe) fits into my lifestyle, is absolutely do-able, and feels good. I appreciate food again. I know what hunger feels like. The weight was coming off of my belly, and I could actually feel the difference. This WOE works. I just need to stay vigilant, eat enough protein, and not let myself get too hungry before the fasting periods. I need to stay true to the low-carb lifestyle. I'm actually looking forward to starting the fast again this evening, so that I can get back on track. I'll let you know on Saturday whether or not I stayed the course.

The Bionic Broad out.

Slow-carb Update - Week 1

2010-01-23T06:02:00.000-08:00

Not trying to be too cute, I've decided to call this combination of Alternate-day Fasting and low-carb lifestyle slow-carb eating. For those of you who didn't read my last post, even though I'm firmly convinced, through much research, that the low-carb lifestyle is the best way for me to maintain good health, I stopped losing weight. In fact, I gained weight, even with a lap-band. Feeling cursed, I stumbled across one of Dr. Eades' older posts about their positive experiences with Intermittent Fasting. Since I was already desperate enough to even consider an Optifast-type program (I know that they usually result in rapid weight re-gain plus more), I decided to give it a try.

My plan was to do a six-week 24-on, 24-off eating plan, staying low-carb on my feeding days. Unexpectedly, my lap-band got in the way.

Last Saturday, I stopped eating at 6 pm, and fasted until 6 pm on Sunday. I ate a low-carb dinner out, a low-carb breakfast and lunch the next day, then stopped eating after 6 pm. By the time I followed that pattern up to Friday, I found out that the lap-band prevented me from getting enough food to stay with the pattern through the weekend. Fasting has either "shrunk" my stomach pouch, or reduced my appetite to the point that I have trouble eating. Based on this, I have decided to fast on week-days, and eat "normally" on weekends, to try to amass enough nutrition (healthy calories) to make the week easier. I was surprised by a few things.

The first fasting day was a bit tough, and by the time 6 pm rolled around, I was eyeing my family's arms and the salt shaker. Dr. Eades was right: Nothing has ever tasted so good as that 6 pm meal. But:

The fasting days have become progressively easier.

I experienced no dizziness, nausea, or any other symptoms of low-blood sugar, even though I fully expected to. Even on low-carb, if I get too hungry, I feel sick. Not so on this plan.

I lost two pounds without having to count calories or carbs. This was not a "whoosh of water," as I was already on a low-carb diet. Also, I ate what I wanted within the low-carb sphere. Every meal feels like a celebration.

I never was tempted to binge or eat to excess. That first 6 pm dinner, I freely gave myself permission to order anything I wanted, no holds barred. I ordered shrimp and scallops with sauteed spinach. I had one tiny morsel of bread, one tiny taste of Eldest Son's garlic mashed potatoes, and even though I looked at the dessert menu, nothing sounded good. That is after a 24-hour fast. During that time, I drank black coffee, water, and Kool-ade with Splenda.

I plan to do another week of slow-carb eating, and then re-evaluate whether or not I choose to continue.

Is this plan for everyone? Nope. Should anyone start this without a medical check-up? Heck, no. But I like this. It's a do-able way to eat what I want, within low-carb reason, and reduce my calories without having to think about it, or throw my body into a starvation-mode tail spin. And let's face it, folks. If I can lose on this program, anyone can. My fat has practically fossilized in place. There may be hope for me yet.

The Bionic Broad out.

Against a Wall

2010-01-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Cathy for reminding me that there are people who read this blog, which makes sense, as I started this to help people find a better way toward health and happiness. Yet, without warning, I found that I was unable to help even myself. Everything, including low-carb, stopped working. I have been unwilling to write a post when my weight has continued to creep up and up.

I have not been secretly binging on sugar and other demon carbs behind closed doors. I have not stopped exercising. In fact, my weight training is going well. What was a disaster is I've grown out of almost everything in my closet, and since my self-esteem is directly linked to my weight, these have been dark days indeed.

After a timely post from one of my favorite people, Jennifer Eloff at Low-carbing and General Health News, I read with great interest her article on Intermittent Fasting, or IF. I then checked Dr. Eades' Protein Power site, and found this article. I decided to give it a whirl. Something has to help.

Those of you who read this blog know that a year ago last summer, I had some medical issues that I firmly believe altered my metabolism in a less-than-stellar way. That marked the beginning of the creeping weight gain. And the depression. And the calling myself names when I looked in the mirror. And, if you'll excuse the sentence fragments, since I am an English teacher after all, the return of all of the old self-hating behaviors.

I know that low-carb is the best way to keep insulin levels low, muscle mass high, the liver lean and healthy, and blood panels in eye-poppingly good condition. But maybe, just maybe, at my advanced age, the low-carb needs a bit of a boost. I'm hoping that IF will help.

To let you know just how desperate I am to get in control again, I am on my first fasting day, and am drinking my coffee black. Yargh! (Oh Cream, where art thou?) I stopped eating last night at 6 pm, and will not eat again until 6 pm this evening. I will keep you updated on this slightly new direction. I just hope that there's no one around tonight with a camera to see me face-down in a Caesar salad and steak.

Thank you for bearing with my silence. I hope that you all are doing well.

The Bionic Broad out.

80% sat fat/ 15% protein/ 5% carb

2009-12-05T06:42:00.000-08:00

My apologies to Flowerdew and Cathy, for being so slow to respond to comments. Maybe it's my advancing age and decrepitude, but time seems to fly, along with my attention span. This post is partly designed to be a response to you, ladies.

I went off plan while we were in Tahoe over Thanksgiving. Even though I did most of my own cooking, I had the oven from Hades, coupled with 8,000 feet of altitude. Most of what I tried to make was a disaster. My fat consumption dropped considerably, coupled with an increase of protein, and a general feeling of "blah-ness" from the altitude. I admit that I am a flat-lander.

Now at home, I have tried my own special combination: I make one large batch of protein shake and use half for breakfast and half for lunch. I use equal parts of coconut milk and unsweetened Almond Breeze vanilla, two scoops of protein powder, two teaspoons of leucine powder (BCAA), two pumps of a Torani sugar-free syrup, and ice. Then, for dinner, I have a heavy-on-the-fat meal that is average for protein. For example, last night, it was my Best Half's awesome pot roast, with a gravy made from all the fat and juices, and some whole milk, thickened with just a touch of potato starch. I had a tiny side salad, loaded with full-fat salad dressing, olives, and bacon, with an Atkins coconut bar for dessert. One night, it was four pieces of fatty bacon (the scraps that the grocery stores sell as "seasoning" bacon), and four egg yolks cooked in 3 T. of butter. In the morning and before bed, I have tea or half-caff coffee, with Splenda, heavy cream, and coconut oil.

A new thing that I've noticed, to add to the list of positives, is that much of my joint pain is gone. I couldn't sit through a movie without my right knee becoming so stiff that it would make me limp. That doesn't happen now.

I gained five pounds over Thanksgiving, but, after this week, I'm down 3 1/2 of those pounds.

I'm not going to say that the transition has been as smooth as butter (yum). When I first re-committed to low-carbing two years ago, I had a gall-bladder attack that almost made me change my mind. Too many years of low-fat eating took its toll. If the gall-bladder sits idle, the stones form. Then, when the gall bladder has to function, to squeeze out bile into the intestinal tract for fat metabolism, the stones try to pass, also. Excruciating pain, much like kidney stones. Switching to an 80/15/5 program didn't cause gall bladder problems, since I was already eating saturated fat, but my GI tract took about a month to get used to the greatly increased amounts. "Things" are starting to calm down, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing a spoofed "Alli" commercial.

I like the way that I feel with this program. I have the energy to exercise, my mood is better, I don't have to obsess about food all day, a la Weight Watchers. (Those poor people sit through every meeting talking about food, for heaven's sake.) Packing a lunch is a snap, and breakfast is portable. My craving for sweets is practically gone, unless I've allowed my fat intake to slip, or my protein to get too high. Even though I still have twenty pounds to hit goal, my fat isn't strapped around my upper abdomen, which makes for a more youthful silhouette.

At my age, I need all the "youthful" that I can get.

The Bionic Broad out.

2009-11-11T06:05:00.000-08:00

I'm finally crawling out from under a pile of graded papers to post and let you know that I'm still here. Why couldn't I have taught something other than English? Harrumph.

As an update, I had to stop the 6-week Cure for the Middle-aged Middle. After the initial six-pound loss, I started gaining weight again. I felt tired, and shaky, and far crankier than any wife, mother, and teacher should be.

Inspired by one of my favorite sites, Hyperlipid, I checked out the Optimal Diet, a high-fat, adequate protein, and lower-carb regimen developed by a Polish doctor by the name of Kwasniewski.

According to his assertions, dietary fat is the key: Butter, egg yolks, fatty meats, lard, and lots and lots of cream.

After computing my lean body mass, and using Dr, K's ration of 1 P: 2 F: .5 C, I came up with a lean body mass of 122 lbs., giving me a daily requirement of 55 g. of protein, 110 g. of fat, and 27 g. of carb.

A sample menu for me is:

B: Half-caf coffee with 1/2 c. cream, 3 T. coconut oil, and Splenda

L: 4 oz. cream cheese wrapped in 8 slices of dried beef

D: 3/4 c. crock-pot chicken with 1/2 c. sour cream and 2 oz. shredded Cheddar cheese

Dessert: 1 c. frozen blueberries with 1/2 c. cream and Splenda

App. 80% fat, 15% protein, and 5% carb, with no more than 1,800 calories a day.

I have followed Dr. K's nutritional ratio for three days, and here are the results:

1. My craving for sweets has completely and utterly disappeared. I was single-handedly destroying two large bags of sugar-free toffee squares (maltitots!) every weekend while on the high-protein program.

2. My ketosis-induced insomnia has disappeared, thanks to the higher-carb consumption.

3. I used to be ravenously hungry well before lunchtime, and wake up "sick-hungry" in the morning. None of that happens now. My blood sugar seems to be much more stable.

4. I've lost a pound a day, with no cravings or hunger.

5. I also seem to be experiencing a wee bit of GI-tract upset. I just completed a week of a strong antibiotic, so I can't completely attribute the "problems" to my dietary change.

I am a happy camper.

Fat is much cheaper to buy than protein, and much more filling, to boot. We'll see how the rest of the week goes.

In closing, the picture at the top of the blog is a part of Youngest Son's dinner last night (minus the mound 'o' bacon). The photo sums up how I'm feeling lately: High-fat fantastic.

The Bionic Broad out.

Coffee, cookies, and thou...

2009-10-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Everyone is out doing something on this fine Saturday morning. Best Half and Eldest Son are at a Practice SAT (PSAT) session, and Youngest Son is at a church camp-out. I am, obviously, at my computer, with a satisfying cup of Tully's coffee with cream and EZSweets, and a small stack of luscious cookies.

Did I just hear an indignant screech? Yes, I said "cookies." Strawberry-banana Blitz, to be exact. (The Cocoa-licious ones were gobbled up last weekend.) Cookie-sized, with cookie taste and texture, these babies satisfy my wicked desires for carbage without triggering eating binges. They don't play havoc with my blood sugar, and I am thankful that someone out there took pity on us low-carbers and gave us back something that screams "comfort food."

In the past, I'd been known to bake a batch of chocolate-chip cookies and eat every last one of them. I think back on those days and cringe, now knowing what I was doing to my body at the cellular level. This product allows me to recapture the same pleasure without any of the carbage-induced illness, damage, or guilt. (Is it possible to feel guilty for not feeling guilty? I wonder...)

Check out the Yes! to Cookies website for more information.

The Bionic Broad out.

6-week Cure: An update

2009-10-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

It works. It really works.

I'm ashamed to say that, after last year's health fiasco, I gained about five pounds after getting out of the hospital. Then, vacation, and I was up another nine (thank you, Rainier cherries). Along came Hormone Replacement Therapy, and I was up another eleven. Let's just say that Humpty Dumpty and I had a lot in common, and nothing, I repeat, nothing, would budge the weight.

I had pre-ordered 6-week Cure for the Middle-aged Middle, and read it cover to cover. Let's look at the results:

Time on program: 3 1/2 weeks

Weight lost: 6 pounds

Inches lost: 6 1/2 (logged in at FitDay)

Four of the inches lost were from my upper body, and 2 1/2" came off my lower carcass. My fat-percentage scale shows a loss of 1% body-fat.

My Lap-band keeps me from being able to eat much protein: Ground beef and sausage are too gristly, chicken is often too dry, and today's pork is way too lean. Even eggs, unless raw (and pasteurized), refuse to go easily through the band. I was not consuming enough protein, and the results were no energy, weight gain, and a loss of lean muscle tissue.

On a low-carb diet, the liver has to have amino acids to convert into glucose. If the protein intake is too low, the body cannibalizes its own lean muscle tissue to provide those amino acids. The brain must have glucose. Loss of muscle means a slower metabolism. That leads to an increase of body fat. Bad, bad, bad.

That's what was happening to me. I was eating fewer than twenty grams of carb a day, but I was still gaining weight. Now, using the Eades' program, my protein intake has soared (approximately 120 - 150 grams of protein a day), my carb count is very low, my calorie intake has dropped, I'm not hungry, I feel healthy, and the fat that I thought was super glued to my body is starting to go. And no, I am not in the gym three hours a day. These results have been with minimal exercise.

The Divine Low Carb, a blog I follow and learn from, talks about how she thinks that her body was malnourished on a cellular level. I believe that mine was, too. Even though I don't have nutritional malabsorption like a gastric by-pass patient, my gastric band prevented me from eating a sufficient quantity of protein to meet my body's needs. I was stuck in a self-destructive cycle.

Gaining weight, without being able to lose it, is frightening. At my highest weight, I was cracking toilet seats. I am not exaggerating when I say that I would rather croak than weigh that much again. This program has given me an edge in the war against a middle-aged middle. Am I ever going to be rail-thin? No. I will probably always be overweight to some degree. But I'm re-gaining control over my over-50 health, and, for that, I will always be thankful to the Eades.

The Bionic Broad out.

Book review: Curing my middle-aged middle

2009-09-20T06:17:00.000-07:00

I finally understand.

For those of you who follow this blog and my articles at Examiner.com, you know that I have been a faithful Atkins-eer, on and off, for three decades. My weight has had its ups and downs (think death-defying roller coaster), because I would allow myself to be dragged into eating the typical Western diet, full of sugar, carb, and bad vegetable oils. But this latest reaffirmation has been a year of high-fat, medium protein, and low-carb living. Unfortunately, the program stopped working.

Last summer, because of medical problems, I lost about ten pounds of muscle mass, thereby reducing the number of calories I needed to maintain my weight. That situation was compounded by a smidgen of hormone replacement. Before I knew it, even "dietarily" doing what I knew was right, I put on 15 pounds that would NOT budge, no matter what I did. I wasn't foolish enough to go the low-calorie way, but I tweaked my low-carb lifestyle every way I knew how, and I was actually gaining weight.

I had read Protein Power by Drs. Michael and Mary Dan Eades, but was still a faithful Atkins chick. Even so, I subscribe to Dr. Mike's blog, and saw that they were about to release a new book, The 6-week Cure for the Middle-aged Middle. I pre-ordered it from Amazon.com. When it came, I leafed through it, just to see what it looked like. I was instantly hooked, and didn't put it down before reading it, cover to cover. What did I find? I found out what I'd been doing wrong. I wasn't taking in enough high-quality protein.

I have been using the Eades' "3 and 1" program from this book for two weeks now, and I am finally losing both weight and inches. My body is a ninja, an expert in fighting back, using anything available as a weapon. This time, it has no choice. It may be giving up ground slowly, but it is giving up.

Am I hungry? Nope. Am I feeling good? Yep. Between their recommendation to eat a much higher protein level than I was used to, and their vitamin and mineral intake guidelines, I am sleeping better, with more energy, and a better mood, than I have had in months. I highly recommend this book.

As for me, I am trimming my middle-aged middle. Rock on!

The Bionic Broad out.

A Pizza Heaven

2009-09-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

Before I took control of my health, my idea of heaven on Earth would've been a deep-dish pizza large enough to accommodate a diving board. One, two, and splash, mouth-first, into waves of cheese, crust, pepperoni, and sauce.

Now, between the low-carb lifestyle and the Lap-band, which lowers the boom on all things bready, I had to be content with scraping the toppings off of the crust. It tasted okay, but it was a bit demoralizing to realize that I couldn't eat the pizza when it was cold. The toppings adhere to the crust.

Now, I have an alternative, one that not only tastes great hot, but reheats beautifully. Unfortunately, I ate it before I thought to snap a picture. *sigh* Guess I'll have to make it again!

My little pizza heaven.

Portobello Pizza

1 Portobello mushroom cap, cleaned

1 T. prepared pesto sauce

1 T. tomato sauce

oregano, basil, and garlic powder

1/2 c. shredded Mozzarella cheese

Sliced black olives

Pepperoni slices to cover

Bake the mushroom cap on a greased cookie sheet for 10 minutes at 400 degrees.

Mix the spices to taste with the tomato sauce.

Spread the pesto sauce on the inside of the mushroom cap. Cover with the seasoned tomato sauce, cheese, olives, and pepperoni.

Bake for about 20 minutes until slightly browned and bubbly.

The Bionic Broad out.

Potluck Problem

2009-09-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

And so it begins...

School starts next week (finally) in my dinosaur of a district, and our first day of professional development is on Tuesday. Because of budget constraints, the staff has been asked to bring a potluck dish. If I were to sketch the typical school potluck, I would have to be unkind by showing obese birds of prey insanely circling a table full of crap. I don't know how else to put it.

Now, I state up front that I am still, according to my BMI, overweight. I will probably ALWAYS be considered overweight to some degree. But I have learned that carbage delivers a false promise. It is not a source of comfort, self-acceptance, peace, nutrition, health, or hottie-ness.

Unfailingly, teachers are, for the most part, unhealthy: Too much alcohol, too much stress, too much sugar, not enough sleep, all these factor in to one lifestyle that has an incredible potential for self-destruction: Education. (When I served on a union committee for medical benefits, I found out that the most widely prescribed medication for teachers, after Metformin and blood pressure meds, was antidepressants.) Let's face it...it's an incredibly difficult job. Every facet of society blames the student failures on teachers, even while ignoring where most of the problem resides: In the cultural climate of the home. But politics notwithstanding, we teachers are a bulgey-belly lot.

So, back to the potluck. What to bring was assigned by department, hence I am to bring a main dish. Any suggestions? I love to cook and bake (especially bake), and I am torn. I hate to waste expensive low-carb ingredients on people who have no wish to take control of their health, yet I don't want to be a part of the problem by bringing carbishness.

All suggestions are welcome.

The Bionic Broad out.

The Reality Behind the Blog

2009-09-01T09:41:00.001-07:00

I borrowed this from Big Daddy D's LowCarbohydrate.BlogSpot.com, a blog I depend on for inspiration and good cookin'. If I were (naturally) blonde, this would be me.

The Bionic Broad out.

Bone of Contention

2009-08-31T08:32:00.001-07:00

One of the arguments I hear most often concerning the low-carb lifestyle is how it's hurting my bones. Along with the "exploding kidneys" myth, and the "sky-high cholesterol" myth, the "your bones are going to turn to dust" argument seems to pop up frequently when well meaning acquaintances and friends are trying to turn me to the low-fat (aka "dark") side. I don't have the heart to tell them that my lap band has more potential to break my hip than the good high-fat, moderate-protein, low-carb diet I follow ever would.

The placement of the band itself actually interferes with the body's ability to take in some nutrients, like vitamin B12, and it also can block calcium absorption. Now, as a gastric-banded low-carb dieter, I have another weapon in my anti-osteoporosis arsenal: Xylitol.

I have made reference to the specific sites that show the positive effects of Xylitol on bone health on my Examiner page. It's a great artificial sweetener, one that I combine with Splenda and erythritol when I bake. (Especially when using chocolate - Splenda used alone in a chocolate dessert tastes bitter and woody. Aaargh.)

Xylitol doesn't seem to have as many ... um ... "tummy troubles" associated with it as do maltitol and sorbitol.

It is used in gum to kill the bacteria that cause cavities and ear and throat infections in children.

It is used in nasal sprays to prevent sinus infections.

It helps to prevent bone loss in post-menopausal women, and actually helps to strengthen bones.

All of this, and almost half the calories of sugar. It doesn't mess with blood glucose levels. It looks like sugar. It measures like sugar. And best of all, it tastes like sugar.

Does it contain carb? Yes, half the grams of sugar alcohols are counted as carbs. Am I going to sit in a pile of Xylitol and pour it down my throat by the shovelful? Of course not. I only do that with bacon.

The Bionic Broad out.

Revenge is Sweet and Sugar-free

2009-08-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

I made my doctor eat crow, and I'm still doing a Snoopy dance about it.

Some of you remember my post about my doctor, who is not exactly my biggest supporter when it comes to the low-carb lifestyle. In fact, when he found out about the way I eat, he ordered practically every test known to mankind, knowing full well that I had to be a diabetic, with my kidneys ready to explode in a fountain of saturated fat. I went in yesterday to review the results.

Let's just say that my fasting glucose was 78, my triglycerides were 77, and my HDL, the good stuff, was 85. Woo hoo! And the best part? He told me, with clenched teeth, to keep doing what I've been doing. Please understand that I almost had to put both of my feet against his chest and drag those words out of his mouth, but the poor man couldn't argue with my most excellent results. Caw, caw!

The Bionic Broad out.

Chinny Whiskers and Chili Rellenos

2009-08-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

I just posted an article on Examiner.com about a new study that links rising testosterone levels in menopausal and post-menopausal women and that dreaded belly bulge. As if we don't have enough to worry about, for crying out loud.

On happier note, I made a low-carb chili relleno to die for this evening. Woo hoo! I was really craving something spicy (and legal), that I could make at home (legally), that would keep that Ketostix humming along at a purple pace. I tweaked a recipe that I found online, and the results are below. Enjoy!

Chile Rellenos

Grease an 8 X 8 baking dish, and set oven to 350 degrees.

4 Anaheim peppers

8 ounces pepper-jack cheese, cut into 8 sticks

Hold the peppers over a flame (I used my stove top burner) until charred. Put them into a plastic bag so that the peppers can steam and the skins loosen. Peel them, cut off the stem end, and seed them. Stuff them with two sticks of cheese each. (Note to self: Next time, do NOT rub my eye!) Lay them in the bottom of the baking dish.

5 eggs

3 tablespoons of soy flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup cottage cheese

8 - 10 ounces of grated cheddar cheese

3 tablespoons of bacon grease, melted butter, or oil

Whisk the eggs and the soy flour together until well blended. Mix in the other ingredients, and spread over the stuffed chilies. Bake for approximately 30 minutes until puffed and brown.

Makes six lunch servings, at approximately 5 grams of carb per serving, or four dinner servings, at approximately 6.5 grams per.

The Bionic Broad out.

Breath of Life, Doughnuts of Death

2009-08-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

I have decided to stop breathing oxygen. In fact, I'm only going to breathe oxygen when I'm feeling bad and need to make a change in my breathing pattern. Otherwise, I'm going to breathe carbon dioxide, or helium, or hydrogen, any of those other gasses that I'm always tempted to breathe, even though I know that they aren't good for me. Besides, I'm getting tired of boring old oxygen. Yes, I know that it's what I should be breathing, but I am so tempted to breathe something else. The fact that those other gasses could kill me shouldn't faze me, right?

As ridiculous as this might sound, this is exactly what many people do with the low-carb lifestyle. Low-carbing (LCing) is not a diet, something to follow until that piece of candy, or cake, or doughnut jumps into our mouth. It's not a temporary fix for a lifetime of abuse of our bodies, nor is it a wagon to fall off of. (In fact, we don't fall off of the wagon; we throw ourselves off of the wagon.) It is a permanent lifestyle meant to heal the damage that we've allowed sugar and other carbage to do to us. Deciding to eat crap is like deciding to breathe something else besides oxygen. That violates everything we know is right.

The mountains of research are out there, showing the efficacy of the low-carb lifestyle. If we are LCing just to lose weight, we're going to get discouraged at many points in the process: Water weight, hormones, stress, too much exercise, too much food, not enough food, all of these factor into our weight. If every time I hop on the scale, and see either a small gain or no loss, and use the excuse to shove a doughnut into my mouth, I am not being logical. I might as well decide to stop breathing oxygen because I can't see any results of doing so. Maybe I'll breathe it only when I start turning blue. Maybe I'll LC only when I need to lose weight. Razzberry!

The Bionic Broad out.

My eyes!

2009-08-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo! We're finally back off of vacation. We traveled by car almost the entire length of California, and as far north as Seattle and Port Townsend, Washington. My buttocks are still numb. We saw some cool things, like a pair of bald eagles fishing, and some really uncool things, like a drunk in a bar turning proctologist on his girlfriend. I still can't close my eyes without seeing that one.

It was incredibly difficult to eat low-carb when we went out, because my Lap-band is being a bugger. Eating cooked egg is a now but a distant memory, and nothing goes down first thing in the morning. Sausage is out. Julian Bakery's yummy low-carb bread gets stuck, no matter how much butter I put on it. I can eat about 3 ounces of meat before I'm done with the entire meal. I ended up eating way too much fruit (Rainier cherries were in season, and they are absolutely to die for...), and even though I tried to stay "legal," I tended to gravitate toward the soft stuff, most of which was in the carbage category. Needless to say, except for an occasional In-N-Out burger, protein-style-no-sauce, I'm done with eating out for awhile.

I'm trying a new tack, with an ultra-low-carb protein drink made with half cream and half water in the morning, a soft-protein meal, like tuna salad, at lunch, and saving the meat meal for the evening time, when my band has had a chance to go to the gym and de-stress. I'll still be on an induction-level carb count, pulling in enough protein for health, enough fat to keep my blood sugar stable, and not having to hack up stuck food. Now isn't that an attractive thought? I'll post later in the week to let you know how the new plan is going.

The Bionic Broad out.

The proof is in the (low-carb) pudding...

2009-07-03T06:43:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, as soon as my lipid panel results were in, I would post them. Let me begin with the ones that will rile the fatphobic to a howling frenzy:

My total cholesterol is 240, and according to current thought, should be <200. My LDL, the "bad" cholesterol, is 140, and "should be" <100.

At first glance, one would assume that I was going to go out like fireworks from a heart attack, any moment now, and golly, I'd better stock up on statin drugs. You know what people say about one who assumes. Ahem... That being said, let me continue, now that the noise has died down:

My triglycerides, an important predictor of heart disease, were 77. Doctors want it under 140. My HDL, the "good" cholesterol, is 85, and should be >40.

What do my numbers actually mean? If both my total cholesterol and triglycerides were high, I would be a heart attack on legs. But they're not. If my total cholesterol was high and my HDL were low, I would, again, be a heart attack on legs. But, there are 2 types of LDL cholesterol: Dense little BBs, and giant fluffy particles.

When the triglycerides are high, as well as the LDL, it indicates that the LDL in the bloodstream is composed of the harmful "BB" type. This particular "brand" of LDL is the one that infiltrates inflamed artery walls and causes plaque build-up and heart disease. When the triglycerides are low, the LDL is made up of happy, fluffy particles, which float around the blood stream, flashing the peace sign and doing no harm to anyone. Based on my readings, I have Happy Hippie LDL.

Wow, man.

The Bionic Broad out.

Living on borrowed time?

2009-06-29T12:09:00.001-07:00

Is there anybody else out there besides me who is wigged out to read yet another obituary of someone who is barely into his 50s? What happened to the "50 is the new 30" schmaltz we've been hearing? Am I, at 52, living on borrowed time? I am a bit unnerved, I must admit.

It's not that my life is going to come to a screeching halt if another relatively young celebrity dies. Yes, I grew up with Michael Jackson, and I remember cutting out the "ABC" 45 rpm record that was on the back of my Alpha-Bits cereal box. As far as poor Billy Mays is concerned, I hit the mute button as quickly as possible when he came on. No, it's not the people themselves that are the crux of the biscuit here, but their ages. 50? 52?! Give me a break.

If I stood in the middle of a quiet room, and listened very hard, would I hear the muffled ticking of my own time bomb, or does the low-carb lifestyle give us an edge? My current doctor, whom I get to see today, is convinced that, as a low-carber, I'm eventually going to grab my chest and screech as I hit the floor, dead of a massive coronary. He wants my cholesterol level down to about 180, even though I tell him that the lower the cholesterol number, the higher the mortality rate. He's convinced that I'm another candidate for early-50s-sudden-death syndrome. (Would I call that "EFSD?") I don't think so.

Am I going to die of something someday? You betcha'. Is it going to be from heart disease brought on by out-of-control blood sugar? No. High blood sugar is associated with a whole host of ills, many of which will kill us dead.

The answer? Follow a low-carb diet. I do warn you, though, that there is one draw-back. A low-carb lifestyle really limits our options as it concerns what we'll die of. Let's see...Do I choose death by inches from stroke and dementia, with a side-order of cancer and heart disease, or going 90 mph on a motorcycle into a propane tank? Tough choice.

The Bionic Broad out.

Virtual pub crawl: Scotch eggs

2009-06-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every low-carber's life where just the idea of eating one more fried egg or piece of bacon is enough to turn us into tower snipers. I knew that if I didn't have a quick fat and protein fix that I was going to be in terrible trouble. I threw open the 'fridge door and saw the usual dozen eggs (aaargh!), but I also saw a tube of Jimmy Dean sage sausage. Hmmmmm...

I trotted over to the computer and did an internet search for low-carb recipes that used those two ingredients. After scrolling through the seeming gazillions of omelet and breakfast casserole recipes (double aaaargh!), I found one for something called Scotch Eggs.

I added a half teaspoon each of of garlic powder, onion powder, and sage to a tube of said Jimmy Dean sausage. While I soft-boiled six eggs (bring to a rolling boil, turn off heat, cover and let sit for 10 minutes), I divided the sausage into six portions, and flattened each into a round about 1/4" thick. On each round I put a small pile of shredded sharp cheddar cheese. When the eggs were done, I peeled them, and wrapped each one in a sausage patty, making sure to seal up any openings. I baked them for about 35 - 40 minutes at 350 degrees.

The verdict? Best Half called them "perfect," and Eldest Son said "delicious." Either they are being kind, or we have a wiener, folks! And it's not an omelet!

The Bionic Broad out.

Back from the "Dead"

2009-06-22T07:04:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo! School is finally out, and I had no idea just how much damage stress was doing to my low-carb lifestyle. Up at 4 am, with a 40-mile drive to work, classes full of mostly unmotivated students, a 45-minute drive of stop-and-go traffic to get home, unhappy coworkers, unhappy family members, unhappy me, a transfer to a different school, ugh. I would come home, and even though I don't indulge in sugar anymore, I still found myself turning to the psychological lift that sweet tastes bring. I over-ate sugar alcohols, over-sweetened my coffee, and based on my constant struggle with my weight, "sweet" was kicking my low-carb booty.

Sweet still can trigger insulin, even if it doesn't involve sugar. And the unused insulin will get tired of looking for something to boss around in the blood stream and quietly retire to the fat cells. In short, weight gain. Now, don't get me wrong; an occasional treat is a beautiful thing. But I'm not talking about an occasional event. I'm talking daily, as a way of dealing with the stress. Then, the added weight causes even more stress, which caused me to eat even more sweetness. What a terrible cycle of psychological damage. "Aaaargh," as my gorgeous sister would say. (Happy birthday, Barb!)

It's not just the sweet tastes that trigger insulin and/or aggravate our weight. Caffeine triggers insulin release. A lack of exercise makes us more dependent on dietary fat instead of burning body fat for energy. Sleep deprivation makes us gain weight. Emotional turbulence, such as stress, makes us release cortisol, a hormone associated with inflammation and weight gain. We stressed-out chicks are doomed!

Or maybe not. Let's add more exercise to our day, even if it's going up stairs or parking farther from the store. Let's do something nice for ourselves, something non-food-related, maybe a new bath product or cologne. Let's look in the mirror once a day and say something nice about ourselves. ("You don't look like such a fat pig today," doesn't count.) And I'm going to limit my sugar-alcohol intake to one day a week, like maybe a home-made low-carb dessert on Sunday. I won't even sneak a spoonful of crystal xylitol out of the pantry when times are bad. But don't ask me to give up my coffee. Waaaah!

The Bionic Broad out.

Back to Basics (Or Else...)

2009-05-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

There's bound to be much overlap between my Examiner articles and this blog, but that's because there are some subjects that I need to address at a more personal level. I'm very limited on what I can say over there. I have to be more objective and factual, and here I can bore you all to death with every wisp of wordage that can be created by my formerly carb-ravaged mind. Frightening thought.

I've boiled a monstrous number of eggs this morning so that I can make my infamously spiced egg salad. I am back on induction, friends. I have succumbed to what Atkins referred to as "carb creep." At one of my favorite restaurants yesterday, I ordered a slice of sugar-free fruit pie that they serve with sugar-free whipped cream...and I ate the crust. Yep. I have also been noshing on onion rings. Yep. Too much low-carb junk food and too many sugar alcohols have slid down my gullet. To add insult to injury, I don't exercise any more.

I definitely do know better than this. I keep complaining about feeling terrible and gaining some weight back, and yet I do little about it. Well, to borrow an over-used phrase, I'm mad as (bleep) and I'm not going to take it anymore!

I know what to do. I know why I do it. I know the consequences of not doing it. I saw the many, many morbidly obese women at the restaurant yesterday, and I knew that it wouldn't take much for me to look like that again. Erk. It's time to turn purist.

We all go through this at some point. I know a woman who is a rabid Suzanne Somers diet fanatic, and even she is developing love handles. I, of course, have love levers, so it is definitely time to get more serious.

By the way, if you haven't seen the movie Up, I highly recommend it. I'm surprised that one of the main characters is an obese "boy scout," who eats too much sugar. Maybe it's time for him to get serious, too.

The Bionic Broad out.

Maltitrots and Me

2009-05-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

My friend Cheri left a comment on a blog post about her recent experience with sugar-free candy-induced maltitrots. I'm going to shame myself by recounting my first (and last) encounter with Sugar-free Jelly Bellies.

One Spring Break, we piled the family into the car and we took off for a week in San Francisco. At that time, S.F. was a great place for a family vacation, and was "Foodie Central" for California. I wanted to stick to my low-carb diet, so I bypassed the chocolate and sourdough cinnamon rolls, and dived head-first into a half-pound bag of maltitol-sweetened Jelly Bellies. I went to bed and got about three hours of sleep before my stomach did its Mt. Vesuvius impression. I ran for the bathroom, where I proceeded to spend the next four hours. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not understand how I didn't wake up the entire hotel.

Why can't food manufacturers use erythritol to sweeten their products? We are practically the only country that sells maltitol as a sweetener instead of a laxative. Normally, in small amounts, I can tolerate it with a minimum of embarrassment. A half pound of it? Gas-bag city.

Maybe if candy-makers experienced a minute of maltitrots for every speck of maltitol that they put into their candy, they'd come to their senses. Or at least be too busy in the bathroom to bother us with any more of their cheap-quality product. We can only hope.

The Bionic Broad out.

Shu, Shu, Sugartown...

2009-05-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

Happy weekend! Best Half is at a retreat, Eldest Son is at a school function, Youngest Son is still a bed-slug, and all's (mostly) right with the world. I have 3 new articles up at Examiner.com, I've discovered the best low-carb bread that I've ever put in my mouth, and I've been thinking a lot about...sugar.

For those of you who read my last blog post, the gargantuan fever blisters have almost healed. That was the worst episode I've had in over 30 years, and I've had some doozies. My students stared at me as if I were a cast member from Day of the Dead. I'm still having some other problems, which I won't go into detail about, as I would hate to offend your sensibilities. But I have to ask myself why I'm so attracted to something so harmful.

Sugar is crap. I know that. It promotes yeast and bacterial overgrowth, and a host of other obnoxious problems, not to mention bulging bellies and out-of-control blood sugar. When Youngest Son went low-carb, his asthma disappeared. Sugar gives Eldest Son headaches. He hates it. He's now the king of sugar-free candy, and never seems to get the malti-trots. (Life can be so unfair. Wave a piece of candy sweetened with maltitol in my general direction, and I run for the back of the house. Ahem...)

Youngest Son is no longer a bed-slug...

After doing extensive reading and research, I know that sugar is the cause for much of what ails us. Yet I still "dabble with danger," so to speak. I'm still ruled by what foods are like in the mouth rather than by the knowledge of what they do to my body. I'm thinkin' that that makes me a bit shallow. Sugar shallow?

The Bionic Broad out.

Tying Up Loose Ends

2009-04-25T09:10:00.000-07:00

A few of you asked how it went last weekend with Eldest Son's state Science Olympiad competition. The Southern California event is dominated by a school that only cheers on its scads of students when they win first or, maybe, second. Eldest's school fields a team of eight students who don't have the luxury of having Science Olympiad as a class, but a club. Do they place at state? No. Do they have a grand old time not medaling? Yes, and I think that they are a wonderful group. Go, Nighthawks!

For those of you wanting some low-carb comfort food, I've posted my Best Half's version of lower-carb mac and cheese. It is yummy and reheats wonderfully.

I have a terrible confession to make. I succumbed at Easter. All of my favorite candies were lying around that Sunday, and I partook. Muchly. Now, I am ashamed to admit, I have fifteen fever blisters on my lower lip and below my mouth. I feel like the Elephant Man. Fifteen, for crying out loud. I know what sugar does, I know what a poison it is, I know that it fuels many of our ills, and I still stuffed the carbage down my throat. Next time I'm tempted, I'm hoping that a picture of what I look like now will flash into my mind. Aargh!

The Bionic Broad (aka Alligator Mouth) out.

Off to See the Wizard

2009-04-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

We're up at the butt-crack of dawn this morning to make haste over to Cal State Long Beach for the Science Olympiad state competition. This is the second year that our son's team has made it to that level, and even though we know that we'll be trounced, we're still pumped. Some schools in Southern California make Science Olympiad an institution, with two or three teams of 30 kids each, and it's a regular class. For my son's school, the team is composed of about 8 of the greatest kids I know, and it's a club. Go figure.

Anyway, the biggest quandary is what to take with us to eat. The teacher advisor is an awesome lady, but she brings all the carbage that teenagers like to eat, which leaves my family out. This time, we're going to hit a grocery store and stock up on low-carb goodies, like nuts, cheese, spicy pork rinds and sour cream, etc. I made some home-made lemonade with the gazillions of lemons that we harvested from our two trees, so that should help replace the sugary sodas.

As a side note, the hundreds of students, especially the middle-schoolers, who compete in Long Beach, walk around with red licorice whips hanging out of their mouths, and they nosh all day on cookies and other carbage. By the end of the day, they behave like stampeding cattle. It's always painful to see, especially when I see that the carbage is being dispensed by big-bellied teachers. Ahem.

So, wish us well, and I'll have an update, hopefully tomorrow. If I survive the carb-induced chaos, that is.

The Bionic Broad out.

Basic Instincts

2009-03-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

I do not want to be a Chicken Little, running in crazed circles while squawking messages of doom. Here's a truth: We are wired to prefer sweet things. My grandmother, who had no plastic pacifier when my father and aunt were born, put sorghum into a clean cloth, rolled it up, and shoved it into crying baby mouths. Did it work? You bet. We live to eat sweets.

So, how does that play out on a low-carb diet? We turn to sugar alcohols. Yes, some of them, especially maltitol, play havoc with our intestinal tracts. We seem to be the only country where maltitol is sold as an artificial sweetener. Every other country sells it as a laxative. Ahem. Since I easily succumb to the "maltitrots," I use erythritol. Is it made from corn? Yep. Does it trigger insulin release in the body? Nope. Does it affect my blood sugar? Nope. Do I "stall" with it? If I eat too much, you bet. Is it worth the occasional "stall?" Oh, Heavens, yes!

Psychologically, I need that bit 'o' sweet to keep my rear end on the straight and narrow. The low-carb lifestyle keeps most of those sweet cravings away, but every now and then, I turn into a slavering monster. I need something sweet. Is it psychological or physiological? Yes. Do I want to eat sugar, and start that terrible carb-craving cycle all over again? No way. If sugar alcohols can keep me true to program, then so be it. I'd rather dip into demon corn from time to time than look like baby Huey again.

The Bionic Broad out.

Living a Double Life

2009-03-28T09:46:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not a CIA spy, nor do I stand on a street corner, flashing open a raincoat while I ask in a dramatic whisper, "Hey, buddy. Wanna' buy a watch?" What I am doing is writing for Examiner.com as the Los Angeles Low-carb Examiner. I'm hoping that you will surf on over and check out the site. There's an amazing amount of information, commentary, and advice on almost every conceivable topic from all over the country. Jamie Van Eaton writes there, as does Jimmy Moore, so I am thankful to be included in the venue.

In-between writing articles and blog entries, I'm in the process of getting my low-carb garden in, with sprouts, radishes, pickling cucumbers, bush beans, tomatoes, and anything else that I can blight with my Thumb of Death. The price of cardboard-tasting veggies is confiscatory, and I'm tired of paying for no taste. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to harvest an item or two that will taste like God intended it to. That would make this whole comical venture worthwhile. (Trying to install a micro sprayer this morning, I punched not one but two holes in the drip line. Grrr.)

Please let me know what you would like more information on. I am paid by the page view (hint hint hint), and I think that you would find a lot over at Examiner.com that would prove interesting. I value each and every one of you.

The Bionic Broad out.

Warning: Headlines Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

2009-03-24T04:49:00.000-07:00

"Study: Lots of red meat increases mortality risk!" "Too Much Red Meat May Shorten Life Span!" "Death link to too much red meat!" A new study from the National Cancer Institute in Chicago has proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the media still loves to scare the pants off of us, even if they have to use bad science to do it.

I'm sure that others much more qualified than I am will tear the study apart at a later date, but let me say one thing, based on a cursory glance at the study: Nowhere in the literature did the scientists analyze the carbohydrate consumption of the study participants.

Why is that important? Because cancer cells run on glucose. In fact, they are glucose gobblers. They have a mutation that allows them to by-pass the mandatory cell-death timeline, and reproduce almost indefinitely. The NCI study of data provided by AARP members was "massaged" in respect to "age, education, marital status, family history of cancer..., race, body mass index, 31-level smoking history, physical activity, energy intake, alcohol intake, vitamin supplement use, fruit consumption, vegetable consumption, and menopausal hormone therapy among women." Notice anything, like, glaringly absent?

Okay, Mr. AARP reports to the NCI that he ate a hamburger. Did he eat the bun? The fries? The high-fructose corn-syrup-laden soda? Who knows? Then, he reportedly gets cancer at a modestly higher rate than the schlub who didn't eat the hamburger. Is that ground meat guilty, or was it something else? The poor meat patty gets the stamp of "Burger of Death," while the bun, soda, and fries sit in the corner and chortle, because they have gotten off scott-free.

Ask yourself: Where was the potato when the AARP person reported eating a steak? Were the mashers lurking nearby while the meat loaf got a bad rap? Did anyone notice peas or corn loitering near the pot roast? These are questions that must be asked to present a complete picture of maligned meat. It's time for carbage to be held accountable.

The Bionic Broad out.

The Picture Says It All

2009-02-28T05:39:00.000-08:00

I finally come up for air after doing a master's thesis, working on two on-line classes for my counseling credential, teaching full time, and working with Best Half, trying to make some home improvements, thanks to early tax filing. I plop my tookus in my chair, fire up the computer, try to catch up on the life that's passed me by, and what do I find? Tripe, stupidity, and demon-spawned slop.

Let me see if I have this right: No matter what the research tells us, no matter what the evidence is, no matter what science is discovering almost daily, overweight people are still being told by the so-called experts to cut calories and exercise to lose weight. Let's keep victimizing the victims, shall we? Did you notice that they left out a very important type of diet? Low-carb, maybe? Why is that, I wonder? Could it be that the "experts" didn't want any competition? That tells me much about their personal agenda and their "findings."

So, why are we fat? The experts keep telling us to eat a low-fat, high-grain (carb) diet. Why do we stay fat? We eat a low-fat, high-carb diet. Why are we, as a nation, getting sicker, and weaker, and less healthy? You guessed it. What do the experts tell us? "Keep on keeping on, Porky!" As someone who still has twenty pounds to lose, call me one of the "Fat-based and Furious." (My apologies to Vin Diesel.)

Let's review what I ate yesterday: Breakfast was a low-carb meal-replacement bar, decaf chai tea, cream, Splenda, and coconut oil. I snacked on beef jerky. Lunch was left-over steak bits with broccoli and onions, all of it drowning in butter. I drank a cream-and-water-based protein drink (Isopure Chocolate) on the way home. Dinner was two pork chops with a fruity glaze and creamed spinach floating in cheese and real cream. Dessert was a bar of sugar-free milk chocolate with mint. Thanks to an evening appointment, I did not have time to go to the gym. According to the experts, I should've awakened as a blob 'o' body fat this morning. Well, la-ti-dah, as a friend used to say: I lost two pounds.

How can that be? I didn't eat much carb, so my body didn't need to release insulin. No insulin, no storage of body fat. Instead, I released glucagon, whose job it is to release fat from my cells for energy-burning. Put that in your low-calorie, high-carb pipe and smoke it, you "dreck-sperts." To be totally catty, I have a picture in my mind of the researchers bent over microscopes, their bulging bellies dragging papers off of the desks. Meow.

Do not let these evil carb-crunchers dissuade you from doing what you know is right. Whether you follow Atkins, Protein Power, South Beach, or any other low-carb plan, keep this in mind: Long after those misguided researchers will be bombarding their bellies with insulin injections, we'll be happy, healthy, and humming, bypassing the doctor's office for the golf course, the hiking trip, or whichever activity floats yer' boat. The medical staff will continue to marvel at our blood chemistry results, and those researchers will be old before their time. Keep chomping that cheese.

The Bionic Broad out.

Proud to Be a Fathead

2009-02-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

Tom Naughton's new movie, Fathead, is a must-see for anyone who is even remotely interested in the low-carb lifestyle. It should be mandatory viewing for diabetics, too. If any of you were traumatized, as we were, by Morgan "Spurious"lock's Supersize Me, this movie is an antidote. As much as I despise McDonald's food, the corporation did not deserve such vilification. Can you follow a low-carb lifestyle eating at McDonald's, or any other fast-food restaurant for that matter? Yes. Should you make fast food the mainstay of your diet? Nope. If you answered the last two questions correctly, congratulations. According to Tom Naughton, you have a functioning brain, and if you saw Supersize Me, you "have been fed a load of bologna."

Mr. Naughton is a comedian and a former health writer, and he narrates and acts in his own documentary with humor, flair, and too much common sense for the low-fat-foodie who has been brainwashed for years by our misguided government. Everything that we've been told about obesity, the obesity epidemic, and healthy eating is wrong. So wrong that it is making our nation fatter and fatter, and sicker, to boot.

I'm proud to be a Fathead, and, if you read this blog, you probably are, too. We're in good company.

The Bionic Broad out.

Superbowl Blues

2009-02-01T17:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll admit what many people in this country are afraid to even hint at: The Superbowl bores me. I have no vested interest in either team (Waaah! Chargers!), I don't drink alcohol, most of the snacks are carbage, and the commercials are mostly stoopid. I can't even look forward to the halftime show this year, as Springsteen has "fame for brains." Every time he opens his mouth (especially about politics), I'm reminded that money is no substitute for an education. Ahem...

I've lived for years with a bag over my head, because I root for the Kansas City Chiefs and the Royals. (weep) The one year that the Royals were in a world series, I was out of the country, with no access to television. And to mention "Chiefs" and "Super Bowl" in the same sentence is ludicrous, to say the least. *sigh* So, I'm watching two teams, none of them my home team, chase each other around a field in Tampa, Florida. *sigh* *sigh*

Maybe, to spice things up, I need to have another give-away. How about a box of Slimquick? Have you seen the commercial where the husband and wife are on the couch, and the woman is complaining that all her hubby has to do to lose weight is drink diet soda? I don't know that Slimquick is a true weight-loss aid, but it's tasty, low-carb, and full of vitamins, minerals, and herbals. Since it does have green tea in it, it contains caffeine.

I asked my Better Half what I should require for entry, and he said a 2,000-word essay explaining why you want the Slimquick. Can you tell that he's an English teacher? How about this: Send me an email at pat@theburningtuba.com with your favorite snack or snack recipe, and my house of chow hounds will judge the best one to determine the winner. Make sure that you include your mailing address. I'll take entries until 5pm PST on February 28th. Good luck, and Go, Chargers!

The Bionic Broad out.

Give me a "D!" A "U!" An "H!" What's That Spell?

2009-01-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

How about "DUH?"

Dr. Jeffrey Browning from UT Southwestern Medical Center has published the results of a much-funded study that has shown that people on low-carbohydrate diets burn more liver fat. We low-carbers, unlike our fat-free-frenzied counterparts, do not have lazy livers. We make them work for a living.

The typical Western diet, full of carbage, ends up packing the liver full of fat. I don't know about you, but I prefer that my liver not look like a lump 'o' lard. Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease, or NAFLD (naffled?), affects approximately one-third of our population. Besides making an ugly cobblestone-road of an internal organ, NAFLD leads to diabetes, obesity, liver inflammation, cirrhosis, and liver cancer.

According to the article, people on a low-calorie diet get about 40 percent of their glucose from glycogen, which comes from the carbohydrate they eat, and is stored in the liver until the body needs it. The low-carbohydrate dieters, however, get only 20 percent of their glucose from glycogen, and burn liver fat for energy.

Where does the "duh" come in? Try this on for size:

" 'Instead of looking at drugs to combat obesity and the diseases that stem from it, maybe optimizing diet can not only manage and treat these diseases, but also prevent them,' said Dr. Browning."

Do the names Banting, Stefansson, Atkins, Vernon, Eades, Bernstein, Eberstein, or Taubes mean anything to anyone? Successful low-carbers have been saying the same things for centuries:

Low-carb works.

Low-carb lowers "bad" cholesterol and triglycerides, and raises "good" cholesterol.

Low-carb burns fat for energy, which produces ketones, the brain's preferred energy source.

Lard, butter, coconut oil, duck fat, bacon grease, etc., not only taste good, and keep us full, but are good for us.

If you eat veggies, salads, and fruit while following a low-fat diet, the phytonutrients in those foods filter out your kidneys. Yes, you pee them away. They do you no good at all, except maybe to give your urine a lovely spring-like shade of yellow.

Extra calcium in post-menopausal women does NOT prevent fractures, but protein does. (Do an Internet search for "Nurse's Study," if you doubt my veracity.)

High-fat diets do NOT lead to more cancers (ditto on the "Nurse's Study").

But I can hear my words echo down an empty hall. I'm thinking that no matter how many studies show the incredible health benefits of the low-carb lifestyle, the poor brainwashed masses of low-fat zombies will keep chanting their favorite mantra, "Fat is ba-a-a-ad. Celery is better." Well, folks, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you are wrong. W - R - O - N - G. Celery sucks, unless it is stuffed with cheese or sugarless peanut butter (non-salmonella version, of course).

Come to the low-carb side, where your veggies are dripping with natural butter, or roasted with bacon. Where full-fat and no-sugar ice cream makes for a much better dessert than sugar-free fruit-flavored boiled animal bones with fakey, oil-based Cool-Whip. Where your liver is a happy, humming butter-burner, instead of a lumpy, lazy slob.

The Bionic Broad out.

Nanny Nanny Boo Boo! (And Other Mature Reflections)

2009-01-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

One of the many joys of having a blog is that, when silly things happen, one has a platform from which to emit a raucous razzzzzberry. Such is this morning's post, dear reader. Please be warned.

I've been struggling with intense hand, elbow, and shoulder pain and stiffness, especially in the morning. This has plagued me for four months, and I finally had enough. I made an appointment to see my doctor, and found out that I had to choose a new primary care physician. My old doc was okay with my low-carb lifestyle, and I wondered about the new guy. I should've known.

That stick-thin little man listened attentively, was very patient, and didn't react when he heard the words "low-carb lifestyle." But very slowly, his stick-thin little fingers inched toward the computer keys, where he typed up requests for every blood test known to man that checks kidney and liver function. He tested me for gout. He tested me for kidney failure and diabetes. He wanted to see if my electrolytes were out of whack. (He was surprised to see that my blood pressure was 120/60. And to be fair to him, he also ordered tests for rheumatoid factor and sed rate to check for infection and inflammation.) He was about to sign me up for my HMO's weight management services until I told him that I have a Lap-band. He grunted as his stick-thin fingers pulled away from the keyboard. He requested every blood test that checks for every stereotypical negative side-effect of a low-carb diet. My reaction? A big "nyah nyah nyah!"

Every test came back well within normal range. My liver and kidneys are happy, humming puppies. Fasting glucose level? 80. Happily, there's no evidence of infection or inflammation. (Unhappily, there's no easy explanation for my case of Harpy Hands, as even the X-rays came out with big happy faces on them.) I'm sure that Stick-thin Doctor expected to see abnormal test results because of my high-fat, medium-protein, and low-carb "monstrosity" of a diet, but, again, razzzzberry! Vindication is a wonderful thing.

On a different note, one of my coworkers, a wonderful person, teacher, and friend, heard me talk about how crazy life is while I'm trying to earn my school counseling credential while teaching full-time. She bought me a huge pressure cooker and cookbook for Christmas! Last night, Best Half took a cheap-o cut of beef, and after marinating it, pressure-cooked it with onion, mushrooms, a few spices, and beef broth. After twenty minutes (that's a "2" and a "0"), he produced such a tender pot roast that I could cut it with a fork. Heaven. To go with it, I partially fried up a pound of diced bacon, mixed it with a big bag 'o' baby Brussels sprouts, and baked the whole thing at 450 degrees for 45 minutes in a big roasting pan. Sheer Heaven. If you hate sprouts, as I most definitely do, please give this recipe a try. I mixed in half a large package of sliced almonds for the last ten minutes of cooking, and even Eldest and Youngest Sons ate a huge helping apiece. Makes me hungry just thinking about it.

The Bionic Broad out.

Timber!

2009-01-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

What is it that is said about pride, that it goes before a fall? Could you hear the resounding crash of the tree so willingly chopped down, all the way from Southern California, to where you live? Folks, when I do it, I do it big! I not only cracked open the door to a catastrophe of carb, I swept the porch, put out the welcome mat, threw open the door, welcomed it inside, and hung up its coat. It all started with some German gingerbread, and then blew up into a week of carbish insanity. Ketosis? What's this "ketosis" of which you speak? I feel terrible, and it's my own stinking fault. Aaargh!

I breezed through Christmas with nary a problem, and I should've known better than to become smug. We went to Palm Springs for a sorely needed week away, and something strange happened to me. I started hearing voices. "It's just a taste. Doesn't it look good? Hmmmm...you haven't had some of that in a l-o-o-o-o-ng time. What can it hurt?" Did I indulge? You bet yer hind end I did, and I regret every moment of my weakness.

It's not just the weight gain, or the edema, or the lack of energy. (We went on a four-mile hike on the Cahuilla Reservation at Indian Canyons, and I thought that I was going to die. I had forgotten just how much energy good ole' fat-burning ketosis gives you.) It's the health aspect. Doing anything that causes unstable blood sugar is downright stupid. At a cellular level, every time I eat something that causes my insulin levels to rise does damage. To me. Whenever I put myself out of ketosis and bring on low blood sugar with floods of insulin, I hurt myself. This is all worth five to ten seconds of "Oooooh" on the tongue? How silly can I be? Tell that to our dear friend Tom, a type 2 diabetic, who passed away from pancreatic cancer this afternoon. His doctor told him just last year that low-carb eating was bad for him. Oh, really?

So, I sneak that cookie into my mouth when no one is looking. It tasted good, but the effects of that carb will be felt long after the sugar taste is but a faint memory. I complain about my weight while I'm eating all those things that I know are bad for me. Come on...what is the problem? I'll just be up a few pounds, and I can start again tomorrow. The problem is that the damage has already been done. One tiny bit here, another bit there, and after a lifetime of eating the high-carb and typical Western diet, I might be waving a too-early goodbye.

Tom, we love you, and will miss you terribly. It helps to know that you are now where you have a body that works, where there's no pain, where an Annie's Cafe Waffle Combo won't hurt you. For me, I'm going to remember the look in your eye. You knew that you were dying, but had hardly enough breath to tell us. I'm going to remember you every time I'm tempted by weakness to eat carbish crap. Thankfully, my doctors see the worth of the low-carb lifestyle. With your doctor, you didn't have a chance. RIP, my friend.

The Bionic Broad out.

Merry Non-scary Christmas

2008-12-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

To quote from one of my favorite old TV shows, I love it when a plan comes together. The gifts were perfect and well-thought out. The activities at the church went smoothly. Gone are the years of 80-degree Christmases, since today is gray, overcast, cold, and rainy. We actually had a fire in the fireplace last night. Good friends are coming over tomorrow to help eat the Turducken. And I made some old favorites without destroying our low-carb lifestyle.

Every Christmas morning, we have Swedish Puff, a pastry whose origins have been lost in the mists of time. By the time my mother was given the recipe many moons ago, it was already old. It is a butter and flour crust, overlaid with a butter, flour, almond, and egg batter, which puffs up in the oven. It is then covered with a confectioner's sugar glaze and sliced almonds. I didn't change the crust or the batter, since it's high-fat and full of eggs, but I did do a substitution for the glaze: Erythritol, Splenda, butter, cream, Thicken Thin Not Sugar, and almond extract. It came out great.

We also have my Best Half's mother's dip recipe, which includes cream cheese, ketchup, horseradish, and Miracle Whip. We substituted with Heinz One-carb Ketchup, and used mayonnaise, vinegar, and Splenda instead of the starch- and sugar-filled Miracle Whip. To dip, we did use potato chips, which were lower carb than any cracker we could find.

Did we eat carb? Oh, yes. Did we eat as much as usual? Mais, non! We did not use the holy day as an excuse to eat anything that appealed to our former carb-driven inner beast. We substituted when possible, and I ate no candy, cake, pie, cookies, etc. We decided on what foods made it "Christmas," adapted them as much as possible, and ate in moderation. I do not say this with hubris, only the realization that it is possible to take control over what goes in my mouth. Believe it or not, that is a revelation to me.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah to my MOT brethren, and may the New Year bring what's best for you.

The Bionic Broad out.

Hey, Man! Wanna' Buy Some Carb?

2008-12-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the last day of school before Christmas Break. (Please notice that I said "Christmas," not "Winter" Break, as in the precise "Merry Christmas," not the smarmy "Happy Holidays.") On party days, I like to buy goodies for my students to eat, as many of them come from homes with few frills. While trying to figure out what to buy for them, it dawned on me that I am, at this time of year, a type of drug dealer. But instead of pushing crack, I end up pushing carb.

I can just imagine the looks on my students' faces if I were to unveil a platter of lunch meats and cheeses for their party, or whip out bags of jerky. Those items do not mean "par-tay" to my kids. To "get down" so to speak, food-wise, one must consume large quantities of cake, cookies, chips, candy, and sugary sodas. It is not a coincidence that my students, mostly Latino, look like they are carrying UFOs around their middles. Almost all of them look insulin-resistant, and some, at 16, are already Type 2 diabetics. Many of them are too "hyper" to focus, hence are poor readers and test-takers. Their behavior is often atrocious, and they have discipline "rap sheets" a few pages long. Don't get me wrong; I love my students, in all their warty glory, but I despair for their future. Piss-poor nutrition isn't doing them any favors.

So, what did I do, you might ask? I did the best I could: I bought chips. No candy, no cake, no cookies, no sugary sodas. Next time, though, I'm going to weather their disdain, and bring sandwich makings. At least I won't feel like such a carb-pushing creep.

The Bionic Broad out.

Drumroll, Please...

2008-12-15T06:16:00.001-08:00

I am happy to announce the two lucky winners of the Cookbook Giveaway, done in a purely scientific manner, as this photo of Eldest Son attests to. I had to bribe him with liquid caffeine (heavily laced with full-fat cream and Splenda) on this sleepy Monday to get him to participate on film. So, Carole M. and Cheri B., a two-volume set of Jennifer Eloff's Splendid Low-Carbing for Life is on its way to you. Happy low-carb cooking, especially during this potential mine-field of a Christmas season. ("Come on...one little bite isn't going to hurt you! And I spent all that time making all your favorites. You're not even going to taste it?!") Aaargh!

As an aside, Eldest Son and I were discussing the ever-ubiquitous Oprah weight problem, and he said something pithy and eloquent, which he often does: "You don't eat that way when you're happy." It was like a bomb going off in my brain. Here's a woman with gazillions of dollars, personal trainers, chefs, free publicity, a church of her own philosophy, who can do anything her money can make possible, and can go anywhere her money can take her, and she' s failed again. Where does that leave the "little people" like us? Happier, obviously.

The Bionic Broad out.

Farewell to Fritos

2008-12-11T05:13:00.000-08:00

One of my most favorite cold-weather dishes to consume has always been the famous (or infamous) Frito Pie. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, I've included this picture to try to demonstrate the dish in all its corny, greasy goodness. Rip open a bag of Fritos, pour in the chili, top off with cheese and onions, and eat. Repeat. And repeat, ad infinitum.

Well, last night it got down into the f-f-f-forties! (Please don't hate me because we live in Southern California. We would get out if we could. Trust me.) My Best Half made the best chili ever, so off we went to the store to grab some Fritos. They are high-carb, extremely high-fat (Survivorman burned one once to start a fire), and I promised to stay within my twenty-gram-a-day carb count.

I was in the living room when someone popped open a Frito bag, and even from there, I could smell the corn. I don't know how else to say it: Those chips stank! My apologies to the Frito-Lay Corporation, but that odor was enough to knock a buzzard off a poop wagon, to paraphrase George Carlin. I dished up my chili, topped it with lots 'o' cheese, and avoided the Frito bag to the best of my ability. That terrible stench is still floating around the house this morning.

I guess that this is akin to the soda issue. After two years of no bubbles, courtesy of my Lap-band, sodas taste salty, bitter, and chemical-ish. They in no way resemble my memories of my once-beloved Diet Rites. I guess almost a year away from corn has done the same thing. I never realized just how odoriferous some foods were. Maybe the nose knows best.

The Bionic Broad out.

I'm Just Splendid, Thank You!

2008-12-07T07:44:00.001-08:00

This morning, the skies were overcast with a misty marine layer, and even though the high today is supposed to be about 80 degrees, I enjoyed the morning's temporary respite from the heat. (When I try to talk on the phone about this to family in Kansas City, they hang up on me. *sigh*) But I'm having a fabulous weekend. I love days where I wake up on my own, before the oh-so-obnoxious alarm reaches out to slap my face. You early birds know exactly what I mean.

I got up hungry, so I made the strawberry version of the Meal Replacement Shake in Jennifer Eloff's Splendid Low-Carbing for Life. Later in the morning, I wolfed down Aunty Marie's Blueberry Muffins, followed by Chai Tea. As far as this evening goes, I'm having trouble making up my mind between the Chunky Turkey Chili or the Teriyaki Chicken. For dessert, B-52 Cheesecake, or Caramel Pie? I still have time to make up my mind.

How about you? Which are you going to make? WHAT?!?!?!?! You don't have your own set of these totally fab cookbooks? Well, let me torture you some more: Not only does she have some of the best low-carb recipes I've come across, she also has one of the most useful substitute sections I've ever seen: Low-carb versions of condensed milk, powdered sugar, baking mixes, jams, sauces, dressings, and flavored sweeteners. Did I forget to mention the pies, candies, muffins, cakes, frosting, casseroles... Are you okay? You look so hungry. Okay, I'll take pity on you. If you will email your name and mailing address to me at pat@theburningtuba.com by 5pm Pacific Coast Time on Sunday, December 14th, I will hold a drawing to give away two (count 'em... TWO!) sets of Splendid Low-Carbing for Life, Volumes 1 and 2, by Jennifer Eloff, the Diva of Dynamic Deliciousness. Me, I'm going to go grab a piece of Pralines 'N Caramel Cheesecake. Yum!

The Bionic Broad out.

My Buttocks are Dragon

2008-11-29T06:49:00.000-08:00

Unlike the folks who had their children in their teens and twenties, Best Half and I got a late start, and had our children in our mid-to-late-thirties. 99% of the time, I have absolutely no regrets about having children so late in life. Yesterday might have been the 1%.

We spent Black Friday rebelling against pop culture, so instead of frenzied fight-the-rabid-mobs shopping, we went to Six Flags Magic Mountain, which is, plainly, a roller coaster park. I have ridden floorless coasters (Silver Bullet), and platform coasters (Gryphon), but I have never ridden a monster like Tatsu.

My first clue that I had done something totally stupid was when the "hold the sucker in tightly" apparatus locked down, my feet were locked in place, too. Then, to my great delight, all the seats tilted forward, and I was looking straight down at the ground. As we moved out of the station and up into space for the first drop, I knew that I was nauseous toast.

Have a glimpse into roller coaster Hades: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBNaWnu7I_A

This is a premier video of the one that mercifully (Thank you, God) broke down, so we didn't get to ride it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1Y3uBgC0cg

Maybe I should've gone shopping.

The Bionic Broad out.

Curbin' Carbage

2008-11-23T07:29:00.000-08:00

To paraphrase Hamlet: To kick open the door, or not to kick open the door? That is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous carbage. How about: The lady? Or the carbage? Do I stay low-carb over the Holidays, or do I "let down a little?" Is low-carbing a lifestyle, or is it a diet? Is it something that guides my choices, or is it a convenience? Do I believe the research, or do I set that aside for a few days? Do I believe what I blog?

I know full well that, except for the turkey, there won't be a speck of food for me to eat on Thursday, unless I bring my own. And if I do that, it will hurt some feelings. How deeply do I believe in the low-carb lifestyle?

If I crack open the carbage door even a fraction of an inch, I'll still be face down in the trough come March. I can remember, many moons ago, gaining almost thirty pounds in ten days during Christmas. I literally couldn't wear home the clothes I came in. It was when Levi's brass-button jeans were popular, and my trying to get those pants fastened turned those buttons into deadly projectiles. My grandmother had dents in her ceiling for years, and she never knew where they came from.

I have to stick to my guns, or I'm doomed. But there is help available out there. Sherrie posted some wonderful Christmas recipes on her blog A Pinch of... , and Jimmy Moore has some, too. If you have any Holiday recipes or ideas, send them to me and I'll post them. Have a Happy Thanksgiving, and let's curb the carbage together.

The Bionic Broad out.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

2008-11-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at work, Best Half sent me an email telling me that, since Thursday had been the 21st anniversary of our first date, he wanted to take me out for a romantic dinner, sans our two wonderful sons. I was thrilled. I had been toying with the idea of a carbage blow-out, to see if I could bust my super stall, so we decided on a local, very nice Italian restaurant. We ordered an appetizer, an entree apiece, two sides, coffee, and dessert. The meal was fabulous, as is every morsel of food that we've ordered at this place, and we stuffed ourselves. I was so smug, let me tell you. Then I took a good look at what littered our table.

The bread and oil lay there, unhappy and untouched. The appetizer had been a caprese salad, buffalo mozzarella, tomatoes, olive oil, and fresh basil. Best Half had chosen a chicken and pancetta dish, while mine had been Italian sausage, onions, and peppers. The sides were cauliflower in a Gorgonzola and sherry cream sauce, and asparagus braised in olive oil, with pancetta and Parmesan cheese. Dessert was, for Best Half, a piece of Kahlua cheesecake that he couldn't finish, and I had eaten 3/4 of a piece of tiramisu. There was Splenda and whole milk in our coffees. What do you notice about almost everything we ordered? Yep...it wasn't carbage. So much for my attempted blow-out.

Not only did this not kick me out of ketosis (dark purple at bedtime), but I am still the same weight this morning. Did we order what we did out of habit? Taste? Both? Neither of us made a concentrated effort to order low-carb items. We took time with the menu, and settled on exactly what sounded good. I was giggling at us on the drive home, because even when we want to be "bad," we have a hard time of it.

A few people have asked how the lower-calorie version of low-carb is going, and, to be honest, the upward creep in weight has stopped, but my hunger level has definitely increased. I never used to wake up hungry, or, if I did, a cup of tea with a bit of heavy cream and coconut oil would quash the feeling until mid-morning. Now, I need a real breakfast, or my stomach is roaring by seven (I get up at 4am). Nina at WeightandSee posted a very thoughtful and mind-blowing comment, one that I'm taking to heart. After all the years of trying every sane and not-so-sane weight loss method, my carcass seems to have a set-point of around 175 - 180. I bounce around those numbers like a demented Tigger. Nina asked if perhaps my job was to fine-tune what I'm doing, to get my health and exercise level squared away, instead of concentrating so much on weight loss. When I read her comment, I was a bit taken aback. But the more I think of it, the more I think that she is spot on. Maybe this is where I'm going to spend my life, weight-wise. Maybe my job is to add the exercise, see where that puts me, and adjust the food intake accordingly. I am already a butter-burner. Maybe I just need to burn more butter. Thank you, Nina.

The Bionic Broad out.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No! It's Super Stall!

2008-11-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

Many moons ago, when I was but a young thing in Basic Training, one of my platoon members was in deep trouble. Not only had she turned around on the firing range and pointed her M-16 directly at a drill sergeant (definitely not appreciated), but she was caught buying beer. When asked why she so blatantly broke the rules, her reply was, "If you passed by a plate of cookies, wouldn't you take some?!" Well...no, actually.

I'm the one who went on a six-month fasting program, drinking those vile packets of goo five times a day, eating nothing except two salads a week. A week. I lost 50 pounds.

I followed Weight Watchers faithfully for six months, and I mean faithfully. My blood sugar was so low that I was constantly sick, but I never strayed. I lost 50 pounds.

Earnestly trying to get away from a dysfunctional environment and into the military, I spent six months eating nothing but meat and water. Pig heart was a real treat, let me tell you. I got so desperate for sweets that I made a huge batch of chocolate-chip cookies, and chewed them up, one by one. Pathetically, I spit them out into the sink. I didn't swallow until after I'd rinsed out my mouth. I lost 50 pounds.

I went on Phen-Fen for six glorious months. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I had control over my food intake. I was Queen of the World! I lost...yes, you guessed it...50 pounds.

In December of 2006, I had the Lap-band procedure (Hence the moniker of "Bionic Broad"). In six months, I had lost 50 pounds. Add low-carb to that, and a bit more weight loss, and I have not regained the same weight that I have traditionally batted around for years. But, to misquote Popeye, "I've lost all I can, and I can't lose no more!" I am in what I now call a Super Stall.

I am no paragon of 100% self-containment when it comes to food. But I can say that, when I've made up my mind to not eat a certain food, I stick to it. I don't eat sugar, or bread, rice, pasta, white flour, potatoes, starchy veg, desserts, or any of the other things that try to "trap" the low-carb lifestyler. I eat the "good stuff." But I eat too much of the good stuff.

I love cream...cheese...cream cheese...sour cream...all the high-fat dairy things. One, they taste good, two, they keep me from feeling deprived, and three, they slide through the Lap-band with minimal effort (unlike overcooked meat and eggs...erk). I am stalled. I am not losing. I am bummed.

Nina over at WeightandSee has a marvelous post today. I share in her belief that not losing is misery. Low-carbers are already social food-fest pariahs. Every activity, get-together, and celebration is wrapped around high-starch, high-sugar carbage. Why am I putting myself through this? Hmmm...

I'm sleeping better. My energy level is way up. My allergies aren't as bad. My blood chemistry rocks. No more angina. No more yeast or bladder infections. My skin is clear and not so dry. My moods are more level. No cavities. No headaches. No pneumonia. Lower risk of cancers and pancreatitis. On the scale of justification, living the low-carb lifestyle has many perks. Am I going to give all this up because I'm not losing weight? Not me. I'll just keep spitting the bad stuff, like negativity, despair, and depression, into the sink.

The Bionic Broad out.